---

Wool 4

The People You Meet
Raising Hogs
Man Bakes Cake With Recipe Found On Internet
Bo N. Head's Computer Dictionary
Microsoft 95 Stuns World
Proper Diskette Care & Usage
Naughty Child
Further Downsizing at NASA

The People You Meet

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Kris Imada 


> >A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist 
> >says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young 
> >man wants.  "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while 
> >and she's really hot.  I want the condoms because I think tonight's 
> >"the" night.  We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're 
> >going out.  And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. 
> >Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give 
> >me the 12 pack."  The young man makes his purchase and leaves.   Later
> >that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her 
> >parents.  He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.  He 
> >begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.  The 
> >girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a 
> >religious person."  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me 
> >that your father is a pharmacist!"

Secretary of Agriculture
Washington DC

Dear Mr Secretary,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand
dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in
your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure
that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is
not a good breed to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise
Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program
will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made
on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when
he got your check for not raising any.

If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get
two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to
operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand
dollars the first year.  Now, another thing: These hogs I will not
raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I
qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the
four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started
as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year
not to raise hogs or grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so
please send me information on that, too. In view of these
circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file
for unemployment benefits and food stamps.

Patriotically Yours

I M Cheap

Hamilton, New Zealand.
8-Aug-1995
 
A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Simon Travaglia, was caught last
week baking a cake from a recipe he found  'On the Internet..'.   Police were
called  in  when  neighbours  became suspicious about 'bakery smells' wafting
into their homes from Travaglia's residence.  Police noted that Travaglia had
in  his  posession  sophisticated cake-baking apparatus including an oven and
several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if used properly,  could have
produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.

  Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two
chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding.   At the time of his arrest,  Mr
Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones  which  were
appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city.  The Police
also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street value of
several dollars.

  Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8
slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".

    A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of
"Usenet News"  groups  which  distribute  such  material.   He says:  "We are
faced  with  a  situation  whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge
of their parents,  can  download  recipes  by  the  dozen,  and store them in
encrypted  form  on  the computer.  Parents cannot be expected to Police this
information,  and  it  is  time legislation was put into place to prevent the
distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting it."

  When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many
public  libraries,  the  Minister indicated that libraries were in a position
to  control  access  to  these books both by placing them in prominent places
under  the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of book
stacks.   He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found could
be made by any third year cookery student.

"These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error.  I have been assured
by experts that the icing on the top of the  chocolate cake in particular was
applied by a practised hand.   If this information is out there,  it  will be
found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO conscience when  it
comes to the distribution of sweet foods.  We must act, and we must act now!"

Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the contrary,
three  of  the  seized  cakes  had  'gone off'.  On this occasion, no-one was
seriously injured,  although one  officer was taken to sick bay with  'a sore
tummy'.
-- 

   ANSI : What that feller from Neww York City gets when his computer 
          don't work
   
   ASCII : When you got lotsa questions
   
   Cache : Wha they doesh adda basheball game

   C++ : What the valedictorian at Bonehead U. got

   Directory : The feller at the gas station when yer lost

   Ethernet : What you dope a butterfly with

   File Server : One who bakes cakes for prisoners

   Floppy Disk : Denny's Grand-Slam pancake
  
   Hard Drive : a) The LA freeway 
                b) Any post-Grand-Slam commute

   Kilobyte : Piranha teeth

   Macro : Used in expression of amazement ("Holy Macro!")

   Megabyte : Lotsa piranha teeth

   Memory : Uuhhh . . . I forgot

   Microsoft : Tiny roll of toilet paper

   UNIX : Itsa U basketball team from Nu Yoork

   Upgrade : Finally getting past kidney-garden

   Windows Application : a) Squeegee and Windex  
                         b) Annoying panhandler with same

   Word Perfect : One of them fussy grammar teachers

   World Wide Web : Home of the giant tarantula of 50's horror fame

--------------------------------------------------
From: Jesse James Gearhart 


Friday August 25 09:31 a.m. EDT        Rob Freundlich rsf@mother.idx.com

Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft
Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events
surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry
giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever
produced."  But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events.

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia.  Said Ahmad G'Hui,
spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we
just don't see any reason to fight each other.  This is an amazing
product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear
weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost
import.  To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing
[nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government.
"The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that.  It's such a small
planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein
met face-to-face for the first time.  After a tense greeting, they
started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers.
Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends.
In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so
frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner."
Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I
*told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait.
Hey!  Let's play some FreeCell!"

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the
new platform.  Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned
their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls
using Windows 95.  In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its
downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico
City.

On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports
that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts.  "I sat down in front of
the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face.  When
I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!"  Even more amazing is the
story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as
having an incurable, fatal form of cancer.  His doctors were amazed
yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer
Universe store, his cancer went into remission.

When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's
Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States,
replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows
97!"

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his
returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are
unconfirmed at this time.

------------------------------------------------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu

>                        Proper Diskette Care and Usage
> 
> 1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the
> disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.  Disks should be rolled
> up and stored in pencil holders.
> 
> 2. Disks should be cleaned and waxed once a week.  Microscopic metal
> particals may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
> disk.  Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
> steel wool.  When waxing a disk, make sure the surface is even.  This will
> allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
> 
> 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.  "Big"
> diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.
> 
> 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.  The data can fall
> off the surface of the disk and jam up the intricate mechanics of the drive.
> 
> 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy
> machine.  If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply put TWO
> diskettes into your drive.  A handy tip for more legible backups: keep a
> container of iron fillings in your desk, sprinkle liberally between the two
> disks before inserting them into the drive.
> 
> 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the
> red light is on, as this could result in smeared or unreadable text.
> Occasionally the light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or
> "hooked" state.  If your drive has begun hooking, you will need to insert
> a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
> 
> 7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove it from
> the disk drive and shake it vigorously for two minutes.  This will pack the
> data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage.  Prior to shaking,
> cover all openings on the disk with masking tape to prevent data loss.
> 
> 8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
> diskette jacket.  This will provide more simultaneous access points to the
> disk.
> 
> 9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
> from spreading.

A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebeled
against his father.  He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you go hungry?", he asked.  "Then I'll come home and eat!", bravely
declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?". "I will come
home and get some!", readily replied the child.  The man then made a
final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?".  "Then I'll come
home and let mommy wash it."

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running
away from home, he's going to college!!!!"

House to Downsize Solar System

A Press Release
Bob Haberle reporting.

WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA
oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a
resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed
congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much
redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion
year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA
fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space
exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed
earlier this summer.

"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart
(R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the
other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee  members felt
that while downsizing was definitely in the cards,  eliminating both Mars
and Venus was going too far. "We have too many  international
commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we
should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal
Democrats keep using it as  an example of what global warming can do. So
from a political and  practical point of view, Venus has got to go."

Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its
small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked
Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So
what good is  it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of
useless  planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've
seen  them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once
and for all."

However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the
terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the
number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in  the
solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining  Jupiter and
Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter  employs the most
molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said
Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore  and its
rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far  away. So
begone with those ugly bruisers."

But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly
announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed
by NASA's success thus  far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to
Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't
no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he  exclaimed. The congressman
also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing
Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at
Jupiter this December).

The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they
deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do
without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the
sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really
two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"

The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is
expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have
constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has
vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that
"NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper,
faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system
were downsized" stated Golden.

Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not
produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would
have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would
need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution
is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists
who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets.
Thus, the matter is far from resolved.