Wool 3

List of Answering Machine Messages Long!
Nuclear Picnic
Park Rangers
Technology Has Taken Over!
Mysheard Lyrics
Foreign Versions of English
Apollo 13 Flaws
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Cop When You're Pulled Over

Nuclear Picnic

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu

> |                            Nuclear Picnic
> |     
> |                             by Dave Barry
> |     
> |                       The Boston Globe Magazine
> |                            June 25, 1995
> |     
> | 
> |     Today's culinary topic is:  how to light a charcoal fire.  Everybody
> |     loves a backyard barbecue.  For some reason, food just seems to taste
> |     better when it has been cooked outdoors, where flies can lay eggs on
> |     it.  But there's nothing worse than trying to set fire to a pile of
> |     balky charcoal.
> |     
> |     The average back-yard chef, wishing to cook hamburgers, tries to ignite
> |     the charcoal via the squirt, light, and wait method, wherein you squirt
> |     lighter fluid on a pile of briquettes, light the pile, then wait until
> |     they have turned a uniform gray color.  When I say "they have turned a
> |     uniform gray color," I am referring to the hamburgers.  The briquettes
> |     will remain as cold and lifeless as Leonard Nimoy.  The backyard chef
> |     will keep this up - squirting, lighting, waiting; squirting, lighting,
> |     waiting - until the bacterial level in the side dishes has reached the
> |     point where the potato salad rises up from its bowl, Bloblike, and
> |     attempts to mate with the corn.  This is the signal that it's time to
> |     order Chinese food.
> |     
> |     The problem is that modern charcoal, manufactured under strict consum-
> |     er-safety guidelines, is one of the least-flammable substances on
> |     Earth.  On more than one occasion, quick-thinking individuals have ex-
> |     tinguished a raging house fire by throwing charcoal on it.  Your back-
> |     yard chef would be just as successful trying to ignite a pile of rocks.
> |     
> |     Is there a solution?  Yes.  There happens to be a technique that is
> |     guaranteed to get your charcoal burning very, very quickly, although
> |     you should not attempt this technique unless you meet the following
> |     criterion:  You are a complete idiot.
> |     
> |     I found out about this technique from alert reader George Rasko, who
> |     sent me a letter describing something he came across on the World Wide
> |     Web, a computer network that you should definitely learn more about,
> |     because as you read these words, your 11-year-old is downloading
> |     pornography from it.  
> |     
> |     By hooking into the World Wide Web, you can look at a variety of
> |     electronic "pages," consisting of documents, pictures, and videos
> |     created by people all over the world.  One of these is a guy named
> |     (really) George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University
> |     engineering department.  Each year, Goble and a bunch of other
> |     engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook
> |     hamburgers on a big grill.  Being engineers, they began looking for
> |     practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.  
> |     
> |     "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me
> |     in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured out that it would light
> |     faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
> |     
> |     If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you
> |     know what happened:  The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
> |     cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
> |     
> |     From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then
> |     an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen,
> |     which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall
> |     from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of
> |     oxygen with the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or
> |     something along those lines).
> |     
> |     By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times.  But in the world
> |     of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the
> |     mustard.  Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid
> |     oxygen.  This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295
> |     degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen.  In terms 
> |     of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equiva-
> |     lent  of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million 
> |     Labrador retrievers.  On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is 
> |     https://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video 
> |     of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to 
> |     dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill 
> |     containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.  
> |     What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, 
> |     featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000 
> |     degrees Fahrenheit.  The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has 
> |     to be a world record - 3 seconds.
> |     
> |     There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique 
> |     on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's left is a circle of
> |     charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.  "Basically, the grill vapor-
> |     ized," said Goble.  "We were thinking of returning it to the store for 
> |     a refund."
> |     
> |     Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all
> |     choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near
> |     the engineers' picnic site.  But also, I was proud of my country for
> |     producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes
> |     for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.
> |     
> |     Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?  Will engineers come up with
> |     a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology?  It's something for
> |     all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, 
> |     every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, 
> |     looking for a mushroom cloud.  



Park Rangers
-----------------------
From: Eric and Christina 


these are questions that people actually asked of park rangers around the 
country.  excerpted from outside magazine, may 1995, pp 120-121.

grand canyon national park
--------------------------
was thsi man-made?
do you light it up at night?
i bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
is the mule train air-conditioned?
so where are the faces of the presidents?

everglades national park
------------------------
are the alligators real?
are the baby alligators for sale?
what time does the 2 o'clock bus leave?

mesa verde national park
------------------------
did people build this, or indians?
why did they build it so close to the road?
what did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
why did the indians decide to live in colorado?

carlsbad caverns national park
------------------------------
how much of the cave is underground?
so what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
does it ever rain in here?
so what is this -- just a big hole in the ground?

yellowstone national park
-------------------------
does old faithful erupt at night?
how do you turn it on?
when does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
we had no troubles finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?


30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

1.  Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back.  In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2.  You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3.  You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4.  You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5.  You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.  When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7.  You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.  (okay, I know
you all just tried it!)

8.  You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression."  Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9.  You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10.  You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11.  You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12.  Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13.  You back up your data every day.

14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18.  You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance.  But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.

22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23.  Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.

25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead
of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30.  You understand all the jokes in this message.  If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life.  We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.  And don't use a laptop.


Misheard Lyrics

###

Song:   "Fooled Around (And Fell in Love)" by 10CC.

Actual: "I foold around and fell in love"

Heard:  "I screwed around and fell in love".

###

Song:   "Dirty Deeds" by AC/DC:

Actual: "Dirty deeds done dirt cheap"

Heard:  "Dirty jeans in a dumb dirt jeep"

###

Song:   "All that she wants is another baby" by Ace of Base:

Actual: "Lying on a beach and having fun"

Heard:  "Lying on a bitch and having fun".

###

Song:   "You're Every Woman in the World To Me" by Air Supply:

Heard:  "You're the only woman in the world chim-ney"

###

Song:   "Cry for Help" by Rick Astley

Actual: "All that I need is to cry for help."

Heard:  "All that I need is the power of hell."

###

Song:   "Takin Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive:

Actual: "Takin' care of business"

Heard:  "Takin' care of biscuits "

###

Song: "Rock and Roll Fantasy" by Bad Company

Actual: "Here come the Jesters 1 2 3"

Heard:  "Here come the Jetsons one two three"

###

Song:   "Flintstones" by the BC-52's: 

Actual: "They're the modern stone age family"

Heard:  "Theyre the lotta-stomach family"

Actual: "Let's ride with the family down the street
         Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet"

Heard:  "Let's ride with the family down the street
         to the good place for our Fred to eat"

###

Song:   "Help, Help Me, Rhonda" by The Beach Boys:

Heard:  "Ever since she left
         There've been owls puking in my bed..." 

###

Song:   "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys:

Actual: "Oh my god, it's a mirage.  I'm tellin y'all it's sabotage"

Heard:  "Oh my god, it's Tom Bernard. I'm tellin y'all it's sabotage"

###

Song:   "Get back" by The Beatler:

Heard:  "Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman
         But he really couldn't tell"
         
###

Song:   "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" by The Beatles:

Actual: "Lucy in the sky with diamonds"

Heard:  "Lookie in the sky, it's Dinah!"
        "Lucy in disguise with diamonds"

Actual: "...the girl with kaleidoscope eyes"

Heard:  "...the girl with colitis goes by"

###

Song:   "Hard To Handle" by The Black Crows:

Actual: "...Because your so had to handle now"

Heard:  "...Because the handy man 's here now"

###

Song:   "Peace of Mind" by Boston: 

Actual: "All I want is to have some piece of mind" 

Heard:  "All I want is to have a piece of pie"

###

Song :  "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett:

Actual: "Looking for my lost shaker of salt"

Heard:  "Looking for my lost chigger and saul"

###

Song:   "Forever Man" by Eric Clapton:

Actual: "You could be my forever woman, I could be your forever man..."

Heard:  "You could be my four legged woman, I could be your four legged
man"

###

Song:   "Cheap wine" by Cold Chisel: 

Actual: "Cheap wine & a three day growth."

Heard:  "Cheap Wine & a teenage girl"

###

Song:   "Undercover Angel" by Alan O'Day:

Actual: "Undercover angel, midnight fantasy."

Heard:  "Chocolate covered angel, midnight Tennessee"

###

Song:   "Mmm Mmm Mmm MMm" by the Crash Test Dummies:

Actual: "He said that it was from when the cars had smashed so hard"

Heard:  "He said that it was from when the cars had smashed his sword"

###

Song:   "Bad moon on the rise" by Creedence Clearwater Revival:

Actual:  "Don't go out tonight
          It's bound to take your life
          There's a bad moon on the rise."

Heard:  "Don't go on the wall
         just walk on down the hall
         There's a bathroom on the right"
 
###

Song:   "Strong Man." by Sheryl Crow:

Actual: "Are you strong enough to be my man?"

Heard:  "Are you long enough to be my man?"

###

Song:   "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club:

Heard:  "Become A Comedian"

###

Song:   "Don't Pay the Ferryman" by Chris DeBurgh: 

Actual: "Don't pay the ferryman; don't even fix a price." 

Heard:  "Don't pay the ferryman; don't even fix HIM RICE!" 
 
###

Song:   "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple:

Actual: "Smoke on the water, fire in the sky."

Heard:  "Slow motion Walter, fire engine guy."
        "Smoke on the water, a fire in disguise."
        "Sbocco nel water" (pronounced: sbokko nel vater)
           (Italian for "I vomit into the w.c.")

###

Song:   "Armageddon It" by Def Leppard: 

Heard:  "I'm an Idiot"

###

Song:   "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard: 

Actual: "Pour some sugar on me,
         come on, fire me up "

Heard:  "Pour some sugar on me,
         come on, fatten me up "

Heard:  "Awesome sugar of love
         In the name of love
         Awesome sugar of love
         Come on tie me up
         Awesome sugar of love
         Oh, I can't get it up"

###

Song:   "I just can't get enough" by Depeche Mode:

Actual: "I just can't get enough"

Heard:  "I just can't get it up"

###

Song:   "Forever in Bluejeans" by Neil Diamond:

Heard:  "REVEREND Bluejeans." 
 
###

Song:   "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits:

Actual: "Do the song about the sweet lovin' woman."

Heard:  "Do the song about the seagull and the woman."

###

Song:   "Alabama Song" by The Doors:

Actual: "Show me the way to the next whiskey bar.
         Oh, don't ask why. Oh, don't ask why."

Heard:  "Show me the way to the next whiskey bar.
         Oh, Donut Squad. Oh, Donut Squad."

###

Song:   "The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan:

Actual: "The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind"

Heard:  "The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind"

###

Song:   "Desperado" by Eagles:

Heard:  "El Dorado"

###

Song: "Hotel California" by The Eagles

Actual: "We are all just prisoners here"

Heard: "We are all just visitors here"

###

Song:   "Life in the Fast Lane" by The Eagles:

Actual: "And she was terminally pretty"

Heard: "And she was trim and ugly"

Actual: "Life in the fast lane"

Heard:  "Flies in the backswing"

###

Song:   "New Kid In Town" by The Eagles

Actual: "There's so many things you should have told her
         But night after night you're willin' to hold her,
         just hold her, tears on you shoulders....."

Heard:  "There's so many things you should have told her
         But night after night you're willing to hole her,
         just hole her, tears on your shoulders..."

###

Song:   "Final Countdown" by Europe:

Heard:  "The Fight of Downtown"

###

Song:   "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner:

Actual: "Cuz I'm Hot Blooded, check it and see."

Heard:  "Cuz I'm hot blooded, can't get to sleep."

###

Song    "Games Without Frontiers" by Peter Gabriel: 

Actual: "Jeux sans frontieres"

Heard:  "She's so fucked you know"
        "She's so funky now"
        "She's so funkier"
        "She is so popular"

###

Song:   "Mercy St." by Peter Gabriel:

Actual: "He's the priest, he's the doctor, he can handle the shocks" 

Heard:  "He's the priest, he's the doctor, he can handle my socks" 

###

Song:   "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel:

Heard:  "Jaques the Monkey"

###

Song:   "Don't it Make Your Brown Eyes Blue" by Crystal Gayle:

Actual: "Don't it make you brown eyes blue"    

Heard:  "Donuts turn your brown eyes blue"     

###

Song:   "Invisible Touch" by Genesis:

Actual: "She seems to have that invisible touch, yeah"

Heard:  "She sees the hat and she doesn't wanna touch it"
        "She has an invisible tough shit"

###

Song:   "A heart only knows what it feels" by Vince Gill:

Heard:  "A hardon knows how it feels."

###

Song:   "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms:

Heard:  "Hey Chelsea" 

###

Song:   "Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates

Actual: "You can rely on the old man's money"

Heard:  "You can rely on the big bad bunny"

###

Song:   "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix:

Actual: "Excuse me, while I kiss the sky."

Heard:  "Excuse me, while I kiss this guy."
        "Excuse me while I piss disguised"

###

Song:   "Eyes without a Face" by Billy Idol:

Heard:  "HOWS ABOUT A DATE."

###

Song:   "Suicide Blonde" by INXS:

Heard:  "Soup and Salad Bar"

###

Song:   "Way down yonder on the Chatahoochie" by Alan Jackson:

Actual: "Way down yonder on the Chatahoochie, 
         it gets hotter than a huchi-coochi."

Heard:  "Way down yonder on the Chatahoochie, 
         it gets hotter than a Jew's jaccuzi."

###

Song:   "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John:

Actual: "You can't plant me in your penthouse."

Heard:  "I can't stand being your penpal."

###

Song:   "Someone saved my life tonight" by Elton John:

Actual: "Someone saved my life tonight"

Heard:  "Someone shaved my wife tonight...with Christmas Bells"

###

Song:   "Cold Gin" by Kiss:

Actual: "The girl next door, her lights are out, yeah."

Heard:  "The comic store, her lights are out, yeah."

###

Song:   "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin:

Actual: "Tryin' to find, tryin' to find where I been." 

Heard:  "Can I buy, can I buy you a beer?
 
###

Song:   "Lightning Crashes" by Live:

Heard:  "I can feel it comin' back again
         Like a roll of thunder chasin' the wind
         Musta Booah if I seem to have a love I guess
         I can feel it..."

###

Song:   "Constant Craving" by K.D. Lang:

Heard:  "Can't Stand Gravy"

###

Song:   "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins

Heard:  "Fly me with a chain saw"

###

Song:   "Bedtime Stories" by Madonna:

Actual: "When you get to the part where you're breaking my heart.."

Heard:  "When you get to the part where you're breaking my arms.."

###

Song:   "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna:

Heard:  "Bubblegum Trees"

###

Song:   "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band:

Actual: "Blinded by the Light"

Heard:  "Blinded by a spike..."

Actual: "Wrapped up like a deuce, another runner in the night"

Heard:  "Wrapped up like a douche, in a rubber in the night"

###

Song:   "Do-Wa-Diddy" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band:

Actual: "I'm hers, she's mine"

Heard:  "I'm hurt, she's mad"

###

Song:   "The Hustle" by Van McCoy:

Actual: "Do the hustle"

Heard:  "Do the hot dog"

###

Song:   "Saftey Dance" by Men Without Hats:

Heard:  "Let's save Gdansk." 
 
###

Song: "King of the Road" by Roger Miller:

Actual: "no phone, no pool, no pets"

Heard:  "no phone, no food, no pets"

Actual: "an 8 by 12 4-bed room"

Heard:  "an 8 by 12 4-bit room"

###

Song:   "Bring me some water" by Eddie Money: 

Heard:  "Fucked that horse in the ass, with my last dying gasp"

###

Song:   "I Think I'm In Love" by Eddie Money:

Actual: "I think I'm in love, and I can't get enough"

Heard:  "I think I'm in love, and I can't get it up"

###

Song:   "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister:

Actual: "Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel"

Heard:  "Give me a laser for the road that I must travel"

###

Song:   "I can see clearly now..." by Johnny Nash:

Actual: "I can see all obstacles in my way."

Heard:  "I can see all popscicles in my way..."

###

Song:   "Queen of Hearts" by Juice Newton:

Actual: "The joker is the only fool.."

Heard:  "Yogurt is the only food..".  

###

Song:   "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks:

Heard:  "...try not to pee-eee after drowning..."

###

Song:   "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails:

Actual: "I wanna fuck you like an animal"

Heard:  "I wanna fuck a metal totem pole"

###
 
Song:   "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana:

Actual: "Hey wait, I got a new complaint"

Heard:  "Hey wait, I got a rythm pain"

Actual: "forever in debt to your crisis in life"

Heard:  "forever in debt to your processor time"

###

Song:   "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana: 

Actual: "a denial, a denial, a denial."

Heard:  "bloody die young, bloody die young"
        "right now, right now, right now"
###

Song:   "Carribean Queen" by Billy Ocean:

Heard:  "Caribou Queen".

###

Song:   ??? by Offspring:

Actual: "Getting weapons with the greatest of ease"

Heard:  "Giving wedgies with the greatest of ease"

###

Song:   "Glorified Gun" by Pearl Jam:

Actual: "Glorified version of a pellet gun"

Heard:  "Chloroformed sturgeon and a pelican"
        "Four or five surgeons and relic nun"
        "Glorified Virgin"

###

Song :  "Another Brick In The Wall Part II" by Pink Floyd:

Actual: "If you don't eat your meat, you don't get any pudding"

Heard:  "If you don't beat your meat, you don't get any pudding"

###

Song :  "Another Brick In The Wall" by Pink Floyd:

Actual: "We don't need no education, we don't need no ???"

Heard:  "We don't need no education, we don't need no birth control."

###

Song    "Poor Boy Blues" by Poison:

Heard:  "Gumball boobs"

###

Song:   "We are spirits in the material world" by The Police:

Heard:  "We are spirits eating our cereal now"

###

Song:   "Raspberry Beret" by Prince:

Heard:  "Red spherical ring,"

###

Song:   "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen:

Actual: "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for (me)" 

Heard:  "Beelzebub has a devil for a sideboard"

###

Song:   "Another one bites the dust" by Queen:

Heard:  "Another one bites the doctor!"
        "Another one bites her bust!"

###

Song   "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers:

Heard:  "Secret Asian Man" 

###

Song:   "Lucille" by Kenny Rogers:

Actual: "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
         Four hungry children and a crop in the field

Heard:  "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
         Four hundred children and a crop in the field"
        "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
         Four hundred children took a crap in the field"
        "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
         With four hungry chilren a a crotch that wont heal"

Heard:  "You picked a fine time to leave me my dear,
         Two pregnant daughters and a son who's gone queer
         Two smokin' dope, one snorting' coke,
         And you're out here selling your rear,
         You picked a fine time to leave me my dear."

###

Song:   "Beast of Burden" by The Rolling Stones:

Actual: "I'll never be your Beast of Burden."  

Heard:  "I'll never eat your Pizza burnin'."

###

Song: "Get Off of my Cloud" by The Rolling Stones:

Actual: "Hey, you, get off of my cloud"

Heard:  "Hey, you, get off of my plow"

###

Song:   "You give me all I need" by The Scorpions:

Heard:  "You get me on my knees"

###

Song:   "Scarborough Fair" by Simon & Garfunkel:

Actual: "Are you coming to Scarborough Fair"

Heard:  "Are you going to start an affair?"

###

Song:   "1959" by Sister of Mercy:

Heard:  "like a little child, like another gun
         like homeless, restless known to none
         like a way big hunk of lime ..."

###

Song:   "I'm On Fire" by Bruce Springsteen:

Actual: "...sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby edgy and dull
         and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul."

Heard:  "...sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby edgy and dull
         and cut a six inch belly through the middle of my skull."

###

Song:   "Big ole jet airliner" by Steve Miller Band:

Heard:  "Bagels, jam, and a lighter"
        "Big old Jed had a light on."

###

Song:   "Junglelove" Steve Miller Band:

Actual: "Junglelove it's driving me mad..."

Heard:  "Chug-a-lug it's driving me mad..."

###

Song:   "Set them free" by Sting:

Actual: "Free free, set them free."

Heard:  "Free free, set elves free."

###

Song:   "Come Sail Away." by Styx:

Actual: "Come sail away with me"

Heard:  "Some stayed awake with me."

###

Song:   "Wig Wam Bam" by The Sweet:

Actual: "Hiawatha didn't bother too much"

Heard:  "How you're walking didn't bother too much"

###

Song:   "Sign your name across my heart" by Terence Trent D'arby:

Actual: "Sign your name across my heart"

Heard:  "Suddendly you cross my arms"

###

Song:   "Africa" by Toto:

Actual: "I bless the rains down in Africa"

Heard:  "I left my brains down in Africa".

###

Song:   "The Sea Refuses No River" by Pete Townshend:

Heard:  "The singer abuses no river."

###

Song:   "Angel of Harlem" by U2:

Heard:  "Angels have Hard-ons."

###

Song:   "Big Girls don't Cry" by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons:

Actual: "I was cruel,"

Heard:  "I was screwed."

###

Song:   "Can't fight the seether" by Veruca Salt:

Heard:  "Can't find the ceiling"

###

Song:   "Everytime you go away" by Paul Young:

Actual: "Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you"

Heard:  "Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you"

###

Song:   "I Like It Like That" by Frank Zappa:

Actual: "Come on, ...., let me show you where it's at"

Heard:  "Come on, ...., let me show you where I sat"

###

>From 'The Sound of Music':

Heard:  "High on a hill stood a lonely goat turd...."

###

Theme from 'The Jeffersons':

Actual: "Movin' on up to the East Side"

Heard:  "Movin' on up to the sky"
        "Movin' on up, two feet high".

###

Song:   "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" (Christmas Carol)

Actual: "Later on we'll conspire,
         As we dream by the fire."

Heard:  "Later on we'll perspire,
         As we dream by the fire."

###

Actual: "Standing in the middle of life with my past behind me."

Heard:  "Standing in the middle of life with my pants behind me."

###

Actual: "Well the words you say"

Heard:  "Queer in the woods you say"

###


Foreign Versions of English

Signs as Seen in Foreign Countries...

In a Paris hotel elevator:
  Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
 The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
  the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in
  the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
  Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
  Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
  Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers
  in strict rotation.

>From the Soviet Weekly:
  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic
  painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In a Rome laundry:
  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
  time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
  Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
  Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple:
  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
   Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
   Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it
   to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
   Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
   The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
   - English well speaking
   - Here speeching American.


Apollo 13 Flaws
---------------------------------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu


|  Top Ten  TECHNICAL ERRORS/ANACHRONISMS in the movie "Apollo 13"
|  ==============================================================
|  compiled by a bunch of genuine NASA dweebs who actually noticed
| 
| 
|  10.  The NASA "worm" logo appears on a glass door.
|       The logo was not developed until 1976.
| 
|   9.  One engineer checks an astronaut's addition using a slide
|       rule.  Slide rules are not used for addition.
| 
|   8.  Jim Lovell's license plate is new.
| 
|   7.  The astronauts point out the Sea of Tranquility while on
|       the dark side of the moon.  It is on the other side.
| 
|   6.  A technician at the cape is wearing a Rockwell Intl logo
|       on his coveralls.  The Apollo capsule was built by North
|       American, which did not become Rockwell Intl until after
|       the Apollo program.
| 
|   5.  The gantry arms for the Saturn V are released in unison,
|       not one at a time.
| 
|   4.  During entry, the spacecraft is shown hurling directly
|       at the earth.  At that angle, it would punch a brief
|       but fiery hole through the atmosphere.  It should be
|       aiming toward the horizon.
| 
|   3.  The paint pattern on the Saturn V is for the test
|       configuration, not the launch configuration.
| 
|   2.  The astronauts look at their intended landing site while
|       on the dark side of the moon.  It is a good thing they
|       didn't land - no communications with planet Earth, it's
|       dark and very cold.
| 
|   AND THE NUMBER ONE TECHNICAL ERROR/ANACHRONISM in APOLLO 13 is:
| 
|   1.  In space, from outside the capsule, propulsion jets
|       do not make any noise.



101 things NOT to say during sex
 
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
      Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
tomatoes ?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
    A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really
like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?


People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu

> > New York, __ -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
> > (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
> > added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
> > software testing.
> > 
> > "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
> > companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola,
> > spokesperson for PETS.  "Alternative methods of testing these products
> > are available."
> > 
> > According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
> > lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or
> > days at a  time.  Employees are assigned to "break" the software
> > by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they
> > often joke about "torturing' the software.
> > 
> > "It's no joke," said Granola.  "Innocent programs, from the day they
> > are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on
> > end.  They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
> > computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed
> > anymore."
> > 
> > Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
> > infested with bugs.
> > 
> > We know alternatives to this horror exist," He said, citing
> > industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become
> > extremely successful without resorting to software testing.


Top Ten Things NOT to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over

> 10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
> 9  Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
> 8  I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
> 7  On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
> 6  You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
> 5  Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
> 4  Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
> 3  How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
> 2  Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
> 1  I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!