Wool 2
Is Windows (tm) a virus?
Fun Things to do When Driving
Hotel Soap
Beer In Space
from the OLD FART'S GAZETTE
Certificate of the Right to Play
Deus in Machina
Do it Yourself Country & Western
Tech Support Caller
Dr. Seuss, Technical Writer
Is Windows(tm) a virus?
-----------------------
From: lsacha@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more
it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
Hotel Soap
----------
From: Scott Anderson
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
******************************************************
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
Beer in Space
This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The
reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.
Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be
precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze
Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three
British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing,
discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the
contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch!
Hmmmmm).
Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at
approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's
enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of
beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in
terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard
as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about
doubles.
In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of
your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing
that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd
STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply
put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except
maybe L.A. Raiders fans.
The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it
managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying
effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex
molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical,
all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compund that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead
to speculation: What is this cloud?
1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard
week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's
image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first,
best Miller Time.
2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall,
400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around,
399,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!")
3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac
alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable
to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol,
they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for
snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them.
The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of
this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star
heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a
smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater intereaction
between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the
cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat
up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you
have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's
full of booze!"
Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there!
Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by
the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years
away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed
out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in
Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a
powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men
can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what
they will do when they get there:
Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?
Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.
Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones?
Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!
Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be
too drunk to drive!
Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of
designated drivers.
Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will
be out on the hull. With our mouths... open!
To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
from the OLD FART'S GAZETTE #14
The following was mailed out by a New Car Dealer in Longmont,
Colorado as a promotion.
"THE PURCHASE"
A rancher had been taken several times by the local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the rancher that he was coming
over to purchase a cow. The rancher priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW $499.95
Shipping & Handling 35.75
Extra Stomach 79.25
Two Tone Exterior 142.10
Produce Storage Compartment 126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns 59.25
Auto Fertilizer Attachment 339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 844.16
Pre-delivery Wash & Comb 69.80
RANCHER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE $2843.36
-----------------------------------------------
Add'l Dealer Adjustment 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE $3143.36
(including options)
Certificate of the Right to Play
--------------------------------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady)
CERTIFICATE OF THE RIGHT TO PLAY
(your name) is a lifetime member in good standing in
THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE PERSONS
and is hereby and forever entitled to walk in the rain, jump in mud
puddles, collect rainbows, smell flowers, blow bubbles, stop along the
way, build sandcastles, watch the moon & stars come out, say hello to
everyone, go barefoot, go on adventures, sing in the shower, have a merry
heart, read children's books, act silly, take bubble baths, get new
sneakers, hold hands & hug & kiss, dance, fly kites, laugh and cry for
the health of it, wonder around, feel scared, feel sad, feel mad, feel
happy, give up worry & guilt & shame, stay innocent, say yes, say no, say
the magic words, ask lots of questions, ride bicycles, draw & paint, see
things differently, fall down & get up again, talk with animals, look at
the sky, stay up late, climb trees, take naps, do nothing, daydream, play
with toys, play under the covers, have pillow fights, learn new stuff,
get excited about everything, be a clown, enjoy having a body, listen to
music, find out how things work, make up new rules, tell stories, save
the world, make friends with the new kids on the block, and do anything
else that brings more happiness, celebration, relaxation, communication,
health, love, joy, creativity, pleasure, abundance, grace, self-esteem,
courage, balance, spontaneity, passion, beauty, peace, and life energy to
the above named member.
Further, the above named memeber is hereby officially authorized
to frequent amusement parks, beaches, meadows, mountaintops, swimming
pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer camps, birthday
parties, circuses, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoos, museums,
planetariums, toy stores, festivals, dandelion patches, and other places
where children of all ages come to play, and is encouraged to always
remember the motto of the Society of Childlike Persons:
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
In The Beginning
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God he had zero funds remaining.
Do-It-Yourself Country & Western Song
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Jonathan L. Zung
I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
she wore; She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)
4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
6. 7. 8.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate
She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
(9) (10)
9. 10.
our love would never die run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
11. 12.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
Tech Support Caller
-------------------------------------
From: Tim Johnson
"Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
[Instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde French
professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]
"What sort of trouble, Dr. B?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem.
I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling]
[muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
[pause]
"Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned
it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I
don't know what kind of monitor she has, and it's bound to have more than
one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
[rustle rustle] [muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again]
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because
it's dark in here."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A p--!"
[ARGH!]
This woman was good friends with my supervisor, who was also a French
professor (still is, matter of fact--and in addition, she's now also my
wife), so I couldn't deal with her the way I really wanted to, and was
forced to explain sweetly and gently to her that computers needed power just
like office lights, and if the office lights were out, then the computer was
too, and that yes, if she hadn't saved her work, she had probably lost
everything she'd done so far in WordPerfect. But I could still fantasize:
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"
[slam]
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Scott Anderson
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!