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Wool 1

You Might Be A College Student...
Kids Say The Darnedest Things
The Following People Reported Being Hit By Various Objects
A Letter From A West Virginia Mother to Her Daughter
Mouse Balls
Satan in our Schools
Politically Correct Terms
There's A Law Against Everything
101 Uses for a Diaphragm

You Might be a College Student...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady) 

1.	If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a
	college student ( ymbacs ).

2.	If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match,
	ymbacs

3. 	If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal, ymbacs

4.	If you have ever written a check for 45 cents, ymbacs

5. 	If you have a fine collector of domestic beer bottles, ymbacs

6.	If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping
	between, ymbacs

7.	If your cup set is composed of McDonald's (TM) Extra Value Meal
	Plastic Cups ( ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II ), ymbacs

8.	If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry
	loads, ymbacs

9.	If you cannot remember when you last wahed your car, ymbacs

10.	If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a
	pick-up ( one trip ), ymbacs

11.	If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural
	Light, ymbacs

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady) 

Kids say the darnedest things.  Some grade school teachers must 
agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things 
their students have written in papers.  Here are a few examples: 

  -  The future of "I give" is "I take." 

  -  The parts of speech are lungs and air. 

  -  The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. 

  -  A census taker is man who goes from house to house 
     increasing the population.

  -  Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure 
     gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

  -  (Define H2O and CO2.)  H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold 
      water.

  -  A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set 
     foot.

  -  The general direction of the Alps is straight up. 

  -  A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then 
     forcing it through an aviator.

  -  Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. 

  -  The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. 

  -  The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the 
     top and you sit on the bottom.

  -  We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get 
     our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

  -  One of the main causes of dust is janitors. 

  -  A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly 
     constipated authorities.

  -  One by-product of raising cattle is calves. 

  -  To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose 
     until it drips into the throat.

  -  The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

  -  The climate is hottest next to the Creator. 

  -  Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were 
     deeply religious feelings.

  -  The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at 
     the top and plural at the bottom.

  -  Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. 

  -  The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and 
     up the other.

  -  In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. 

  -  Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. 

  - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the 
    winter.

Carlton Carroll, 5, was knocked unconscious in 1987 by a 250-pound
brown-spotted ray that leapt from the water into his family's fishing
boat.

Elmer Searle, 80, was knocked unconscious by a "flying dog" that had
been propelled through the air after being struck by a car in
Sacramento.

Lui Wai-kwong, 36, was injured when hit on the head by a two-pound
turtle while walking to work in Hong Kong in 1987. The turtle
apparently fell from a nearby high-rise building.

Biagio di Crescenzo, 23, smashed his car into a tree near Rome and was
badly injured. After a motorist took him to a hospital, he was sent in
an ambulance toward another hospital for further treatment, but the
ambulance smashed into an oncoming car. A motorist took him to another
hospital, where he was again dispatched in an ambulance for further
treatment. That ambulance smashed into another car in a suburb of
Rome, killing di Crescenzo.

Don Oestreich and Bernice Johnson, distracted by the colors of the
fall foliage while boating on the Mississippi River in Minnesota, shot
over a 40-foot dam and into the rushing overflow below, but were
rescued by two fishermen.

Lung-cancer patient George Stickler, 59, couldn't wait until he was
off pure-oxygen therapy before lighting up a cigarette at a Lafayette,
Louisiana, hospital in 1988. The resulting fire gave Stickler
second-degree bums and forced the evacuation of several other
patients.

In a 1981 incident, as gunfire rang out in a Las Vegas casino when
police scurried to catch some troublemakers, dozens of officers had to
climb over casino customers, who had dropped to their knees but
continued to feed the slot machines.

In 1978 Leonard Njuguna Muraya, a Kenyan exchange student at the
University of Oregon, attempted to commit suicide by jumping through a
closed second-story window. The fall wasn't steep enough, so he went
back upstairs to a neighbor's second-story apartment and jumped
through that closed window. Again, he failed so he went back to the
neighbor's apartment and tried it a third time. He was rushed to the
hospital but pronounced dead shortly after arrival.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady) 

>Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
>        I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We
>don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper
>that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I
>won't
>be able to send you the address because the last West virginia family that
>lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't
>have to change their address.
>        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
>it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
>haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
>week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
>About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
>would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
>and put them in the pockets.
>        John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
>because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
>        Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
>is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
>like your brother....
>       Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
>out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and
>he burned for three days.
>        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
>driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends
>were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
>        There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
>        Love, Mom
>
>P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Juliette Annabelle Balster-Rivero 

Abstract:  Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU.  Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement.  Becauase of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse.  Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.  Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
manufactureer of the mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method.  Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.  However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.  Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer statisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary
items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

                           Attention
                           Students

    It has come to our attention that several of you have felt it 
necessary to engage in pagan rituals during passing periods. While we
can't allow goats in and out of the building due to fire hazards (And the
FFA is getting suspicious of the whereabouts of the cattle) we will allow
incense and hooded robes with a permit only. Human sacrifice must be
kept, preferably, to a minimum, seeing as we are beginning to run low on
faculty members. Also the janitors are beginning to complain about the
giant pentagrams.  The Principle is beginning to grow irritated with the
recurring jack-o-lanterns he finds on his desk every morning with a knife
plunged in its side and a note reading "YOU." If this sort of behavior
persists, we shall be forced to notify Master Satan.  As you all are
aware by now, Mr. Satan has been kind enough to give us a wonderful deal
on the sale of our souls.

  In light of these recent events, we have found it necessary to set up
  new guidelines for future sences and/or demon conjuring. 

1.) The shedding of blood must be within the yellow parking lines only.
(CAUTION: Please wear plastic gloves when dealing with blood, due to the fact
that AIDS is a equal rights disease, and no one is immune... Not even Satan.)

2.) Remember: The Pit of Despair is not used as a trash receptacle, please
keep all Coke cans out of hell because they are having a problem with
recycling their crap already.

3.)  The fetal pigs in the Biology labs are ONLY THERE FOR DISSECTION.
But feel free to pillage the AG farm at any opportunity.

We do realize that Satanic sacrifice is a dirty job, we are just asking you
to clean it up.. We thank you for your understanding and hope that you will
adhere to these requests.

				Sincerely,
				THE MGNT.	 

Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fat: Horizontally challenged.

Fail: Acheive a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Bald: Follicularly challenged.

Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challanged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.

Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

My brother was filling up his car the other day, but the automatic 
shutoff was not working properly and he got splashed with some gas.  
He wiped up with a paper towel, paid, and left.  A short while down 
the road, the idiot decides to light a cigarette and as he does, he 
lights his shirt sleeve on fire.  He stuck his arm out the window to 
try and blow the flame out while he pulled over to the side of the 
road.  Just as all this was happening a cop passed him, pulled a 
U-turn and pulled up behind him.  The cop jumped out with a fire 
extinguisher and doused the flames before they could cause any 
serious burns.  The cop asked my brother if he was ok, to which he 
replied that he was, thanks very much.  The cop whips out his ticket 
book, and starts writing.  My brother asked what he was getting a 
ticket for.  The cop replied that he was writing him up for illegal 
possession of a fire arm.

I am a married woman in my mid 30's.  Several weeks ago, I had a slightly
abnormal PAP test.  My doctor told me to stop using my cervical cap, which
rests directly on the cervix, and choose another method of birth control.
(I am supposed to get retested in two months.)

I decided to try using a diaphragm instead.  When my doctor fitted me, she
was surprised that the size that seemed to fit me best was so large.  In
fact..it was the LARGEST that was made.  Usually used by women who had had
KIDS (I only have a cat)!  

But..the first time I tried it on at home  in the heat of the moment, of
course  the damn thing was TOO DAMN BIG.   I won't bore you with the
details. I tried it again during a calmer moment, and no go.  I mean..the
thing cost $35.

So...I called the doctor and I have to get refitted.  But..paying all that
money for something I never really used bothers me. Plus, as you may know,
it is ecologically better  to reuse things than throw them away.  In that
spirit, my friends and I have come up with other uses for this huge
diaphragm I can't wear.  (For those of you who haven't actually SEEN a
diaphragm, it's round, about three and a half inches in diameter, and made
of latex. ) 

For example:

Sew up the edges and use it as a change purse.
Give it to a group of midgets with palsy to use as a safe frisbee
A yarmukle for Jewish infants who spit up a lot
Send it to the women down in Texas
Stick a pinhole in it and send it to Marilyn Quayle
Sneeze guard for baby bottles
Overshoes for baby elephants
Knee protectors for young skaters
Adjustable mutes for trombones
Line with foil and use as unbreakable, flexible pocket mirror
Toss your old coasters in the trash!  You won't need them any more with
the new       SteinGuard (TM)  the Coaster That Stays Attached to Your
Beer Mug!
Source of endless amusement for NET subscribers with too much time Handy
dish for holding flesh removed in nasal operations
Collection plate for very small (or poor) churches
Cat beret
A cap to seal open beverage cans and half full tumblers
Paint it and use it as window decoration
Add a pole and use it for a beach umbrella for mice
Hi frequency radio receiver dish
Poke a pencil though it and sell it as a top (for $9.95)
Poke sapling through it and use as an ant shield
Pack it away with some rubber cement: voila! Rubber Raft Repair Kit!
Snow saucer for mice
Cup trivet
An earring for Boy George
Half a set of pasties
Reusable liner for petrie culture dishes
Poke holes in it, place in front of a light source and use it to project
star patterns
Replacement pad for electronic drum heads
Decorative pendulum cover (paint it with your own patterns)
Serving appliance for cupcakes and dinner rolls
Helpful grip for opening those stubborn jar lids
Golfer's driving target/ball return
Golfer's cheat:  seal the hole just below the rim
Poke candle through it: wax guard
Circle template
Mute/spit guard for microphones
Wading pool for ants
Sound membrane for a really big kazoo
Matte material for a framed picture of Newt 
Lens filter for Rush Limbaugh camera crews
A trampoline for gerbals
As a pair, with a small rubber ball, a new beach badminton game
An emergency parachute for any member of the Republican party
An inner thigh exercise device to rival Suzanne Summer's success
A sort of but not quite safe sex audio visual screen
A heavy duty oral sex dental dam
A target for circle jerks