: CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES : Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com : Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize : redundancy); avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really : offensive material; correct spelling and grammar. Exclude : related humor that is not actually an answering machine message. : Keep in no particular order, but try to group similar themes : together -- I'm open to suggestions on better ordering. : --- machine theme --- : Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this : thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the : light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. : Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... : You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go : on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to : say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've : decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my : caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long : answering machine message when you call me... : (Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an : answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! : Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at : the tone. : You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a : garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a : message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we : don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. : Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting : down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... : (Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five : answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor : to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. : Grong gronggronggrongBEEP : Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm : open to suggestions. : (or) : Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right : now, but the phone is. : Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left : me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. : Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his : refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your : message to myself with one of these magnets. : (or) : Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in : the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the : toast is done... (Cachunk!) : I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am : leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages : either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you : wait to not leave a message. : (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the : former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the : functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. : If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the : tone. : (MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious : you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your : name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar : to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly : possible. : Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO : depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, : but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to : me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. : Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery : sounding. : Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. : Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. : Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving : messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, : and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the : office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with : me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. : (Computer generated voices:) : 1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone : right now. : 2: Yeah, nobody but us machines! : 1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, : you can leave your name and telephone number... : 2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message! : 1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief : message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of : this stuff until the real people get back. : 2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! : 1: I didn't expect an answering machine. : 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. : 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. : 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. : 1: And message. Damn. : 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. : 1: And time you called. : 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. : 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep. : (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you : were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... : (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and : number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. : (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a : world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows : explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary : telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight : Phone". : Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, : push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to : Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong : number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button : pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off : anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone : system. : Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of : our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. : (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.) : (or) : (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a : message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your : name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your : name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave : your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for : extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want : to leave your number and the time you called, please press star : twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP : Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling : to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, : please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product : or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 : and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. : Pressing 3 is optional. : (or) : Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your : name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an : outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. : (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is : that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my : answering machine. So, leave a message. : (Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre : evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of : Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, : high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... : (End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) : ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP : This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic : thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your : name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach : you, and I'll think about returning your call. : --- authority figures --- : Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no : diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist : tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of : secrets you wish to sell. : Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone : number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of : the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union : of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the : Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First : Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet : Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the : Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of : the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. : (Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like : Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out : right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave : your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't : want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you : can beep now... Come on you, BEEP. : (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, : uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the : telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) : I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave : a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP. : The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave : your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to : invade, and the secret password. : (Militaristic mechanical voice:) : FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. : THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. : You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile : Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. : At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list : of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice : day. : You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract : Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and : destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. : If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, : non-urgent. : (Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code : number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on : an international mission involving the theft of gold plated : Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my : mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies! : To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! : Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from : Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making : Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message : after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is : served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.) : (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian : Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just : dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by : the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our : investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, : number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made : now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. : Thank you. : Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they : dialed long distance.) : (Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your : contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, : should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, : and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct : in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. : "I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." : "We're not home; leave a message." : This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out : on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his : basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco : Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home : soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. : Deal with it. : (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of : Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you : leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? : Sure... I knew you could. : (English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty : Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch : has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get : better. : Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call : right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore. : This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air... : (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... : Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave : your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you : back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, : but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a : nice day. : Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? : Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave : your name and number, I'll be right with you. : E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave : your name and number, and prepare to die. : --- odd organizations --- : Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes : are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll : have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. : Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of : Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message : saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where : you'll be, and I'll be there. : This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave : your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's : vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". : Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's : not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and : confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as : soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless : you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! : Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. : Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear : a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, : Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... : (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother : or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and : Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but : if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we : will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. : Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues. : (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for : calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to : get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically : be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a : message... : You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines : are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone : will get back to you as soon as possible. : (or) : Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently : busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered : in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank : you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue : to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave : a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call : you back. Have a nice day. : You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa : Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone : and we'll get around to it... : Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. : We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the : tone, please hang up. : (Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people : call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on : my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... : she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. : Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her : case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone : and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid. : (Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the : Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone : right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a : message. : Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn : that your unit has re-established communications. The entire : staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with : other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may : reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as : possible to discuss your concerns. : (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, : millions still speak French as either a first or second : language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe : out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English : at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to : you, just say, "non". : Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say : the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there : somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where : YOU saw Elvis! : Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' : secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now : on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering : machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to : April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think : of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and : we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy : agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're : not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can : speak freely. : Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want? : Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. : (or) : Hello, you're caller number nine! : You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian : Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be : with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your : requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, : given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our : show. : Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin : Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... : This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine : Broadcast System. This is only a test. : Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone : right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, : then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to : mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... : unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as : soon as possible. : (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've : reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being : cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave : your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at : the end of time. : Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying : to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For : Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're : going about it all wrong, so *we* certainly can't help you. If : you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep. : (Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of : Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, : number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong : way... : Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films : Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting : screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the : late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the : Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If : you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, : please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup : size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on : the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy : involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. : Thank you for calling. : You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up : right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of : transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you : with your penance. : --- mainly musical theme --- : (To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) : Leave a message... Leave a message... : (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. : Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up : the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") : (Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":) : Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, : No one's here, no one's home, : Leave a message, at the tone. : Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss, : Leave a message, you can reach us. : (U2's "With or Without You":) : No one's here to answer the phone, : Leave a message at the tone, : And we'll get back to you. : We'll get back to you! : ("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:) : Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink, : Boy it's good to see you what can I say, : Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again, : Say what was your name anyway? : Well we're working on the problem -- : We'll get back to you soon, : Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon : for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by : and have a nice day. : ("Camptown Races":) : I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah. : Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day. : Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day... : So leave a message when you hear the tone. : I'll call you back someday... : ("Winter Wonderland":) : Hear the ring, inside our home. : Once again, can't get the phone. : So please be polite, : You know that it's right, : And leave a message when you hear the tone. : (Beethoven's Fifth:) : Nobody's home. : Why did you phone? : Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone, : And we will call you back as soon as we get home. : Your message here, : After the tone, : Here is the tone... tone... BEEP : ("If I Only Had A Brain":) : I might be in the shower, : I might be gone for hours, : I can't come to the phone. : So, please leave your name and number, : If I miss you it'd be a bummer, : Leave your message at the tone... : Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight? : Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over : the world! (Sing:) : They're David and the Rob, : Yes, David and the Rob, : One is a drummer, the other needs a job. : They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow, : Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. : (With apologies to Robert Burns:) : O ma phone is but an ebon box, : Wha' rings when I'm awa'. : And my tape machine waits, : For your call, : This message for ta play. : So leave ye message at the beep, : Then bide ye well a while, : For I will hear your voice, : ONE DAY, : and call ye wi' a smile. : ("Under the Boardwalk":) : Oh, when you call our room, : and all you get is a machine, : and then you get so upset, : you feel as if you want to scream. : Please leave a message : after the be-ep. : And John or Tom will get back you, : as soon as they can. : ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the : residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right : now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your : name and number, and we'll get back to you. : Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of : Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we : would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works : in progress. BEEP : --- family fun --- : Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a : family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep : and whoever wins will call you right back. : Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if... : Matt: Steve, what are you doing? : Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. : Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. : Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. : Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. : Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you : doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) : Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and : number. : (or) : 1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room. : 2: (Background:) What are you doing? : 1: I'm recording an answering machine message. : 2: But we're here right now. : 1: But we might not be here later. : 2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message. : (or) : 1: Hey, would you get the phone? : 2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone! : 1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it? : 2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway! : 1: Dammit Nicole, you always pull this crap when it's your : turn to get it! : 2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then! : (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and : noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) : We're not here now, : We're not here now, : Don't hang up, : Don't hang up, : Leave your name and number, : Leave your name and number, : We'll call back, : We'll call back. : Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right : now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. : Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, : Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If : this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a : party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it. : Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone : right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya : likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... : real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing : our teeth we'll get back to you. : Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and : your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we : like the color. : --- can't answer right now because... --- : John: Brad, will you get the phone? : Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! : I'm playing Omega! : John: Ambar, will you get the phone? : Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.) : John: Aimee, will you get the phone? : Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower! : John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in : Denver. Please leave a message. : A is for academics, : B is for beer. : One of those reasons is why we're not here. : So leave a message. : Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! : Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the : week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera. : (Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We : are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or : being chased by, bats. Please leave a message. : Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please : leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. : You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your : call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system : performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with : our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized : to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. : Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the : tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. : I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's : house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a : lightbulb. : I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel : stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if : you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me : something about myself. Thanks. : I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come : to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording : this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to : it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're : listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so : confusing. : I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an : out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind : you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message : anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. : Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to : the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, : so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself : together. : Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone : right now, but if you leave your name... : If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to : the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your : name and number... : Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing : my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a : message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1. : Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent : the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you : are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough : money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a : female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. : (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. : Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a : veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of : it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it : in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath : sounded. Thou must leave a message. : We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll : call you back and tell you what we got. : (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good : evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as : he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and : voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But : leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he : manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, : we now have this word from our sponsor... : (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. : They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your : number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper : bag. : Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. : Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. : (or) : Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So : start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll : pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? : This is Clovis' answering machine. Clovis is committing sodomy : right now. Please call back in an hour, when, I regret to : inform you, you may receive the same message. : --- you're in big trouble --- : Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT? : (or) : Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I : get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a : call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony : laughter.) : (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown : residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave : a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer : eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide. : The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt : power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. : (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a : message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The : choice is YOURS! : Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. : I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. : Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep : your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the : time that you called. : This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name : and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will : implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention : of the FBI. : You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your : voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for : later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use : the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and : immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial : consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists : will contact you in the near future to further explain the : benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of : payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. : Thank you. : Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain : silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by : us. : Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad : and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK) : My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message : with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of : expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. : Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can : talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please : leave your credit card number at the tone... : --- befuddle the caller --- : (A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright : (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you : dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. : The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The : new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note : of it. : Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert : appropriate weather report for the season here.) : Please leave a tone after the message. : Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering : machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is : actually me. : (Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the : phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll : return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. : Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, : but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.) : The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being : diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) : The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. : (Click, beep, dial tone.) : (From a distance:) Hello I'm far very away from the phone at : the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll : get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone! : Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll : leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time : you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank : you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales : callers who don't know it's really a private line.) : Creamed asparagus! BEEP : Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am : pimento loaf, leave me a message. : Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. : Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or : right ear? ... BEEP : All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) : All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the : answering machine of... : (Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right : now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.) : I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a : message and I'll call you when I'm out. : This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message. : Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right : now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call : you back. : Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a : message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer : and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell : me? : We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please : rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. : Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an : obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never : mind. Leave your name and number at the beep. : Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas : please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? : Sorry about that. (Click.) : (And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the : caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear : it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. : Repeat over time until something interesting happens.) : (Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: : "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, : message for," and then hang up.) : --- other play with the caller --- : Listen. (Pause.) And now talk. : Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP : OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is : the message on our answering machine... Any questions? : (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to : heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. : (Silence...) Any message? : Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, : if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. : Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT. : (Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! : (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please : leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach : you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing : Phone Tag! : (or) : Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become : eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few : that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at : the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you : called, and a brief message. : You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel : very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and : your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you : will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a : message. : As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on : reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The : telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint : click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear : a beep... : This answering machine message is for all you psychics out : there... (Long silence...) BEEP : Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- : hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, : when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. : If you do too, leave them after the beep. : If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to : answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate : this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. : (Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the : existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, : but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently : inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves : and contact you when the stars align properly. : Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark : sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a : brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and : percolated. See if you can tell the difference. : Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. : Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the : tone. : Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of : their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. : For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages : on Mondays. : Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 : minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you : weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. : So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just : be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. : Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the : phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided : to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph : Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I : might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job. : We're not home now. Leave your name and number and we'll call : you back as soon as you are a vegetarian. (Replace "vegetarian" : with prejudice of your choice.) : (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be : yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason : WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this : is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just : leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will : definitely get back to you! : (Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have : reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering : machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know : who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, : you were probably expecting something like this! : (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's : residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla : scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number : at gong and Chan will call back if house still here. : I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So : please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower : today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave : a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in : person. : (Aussie accent:) Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I : tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, : if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for : one! Bye. : If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our : weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we : probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. : Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will : be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen : discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. : Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a : message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of : North Dakota. : In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! : Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work : with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new : Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices : your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, : because if you leave your name and number when you hear the : tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! : Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge : drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets : you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and : thank you for your pledge. : Thank you for calling, no doubt, : As you can guess, we're out. : When we get home, : We'll call on the phone. : Until then, just hang about. : Sorry that we're not at home. : Please leave a message after the tone. : When we get in, : We'll give you a ring. : Until then, wait by the phone. : (Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. : I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect : my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like : good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a : number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can : send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" : theme...) : --- science fiction --- : Bridge, Kirk here. : Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- : Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency : seven, do you want it on screen? : (Star Trek theme in the background:) : (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. : (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. : Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and : your telephone number. : (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. : Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in : the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, : tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many : Klingons are attacking. : (Bad imitations:) : Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, : Lieutenant? : Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. : Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? : Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a : message. : (Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE : CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE : ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So : leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. : (or) : Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails : are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. : Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, : high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! : Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant. : Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the : Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the : sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and : obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride. : (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm! : Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to : the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some : dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your : name and number after the beep and he will return your call. : A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to : a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be : broadcast into the future. : You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our : agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and : cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and : number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly : contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the : new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron. : --- brevity --- : (Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa. : I'm gone. : Fred. Message. BEEP. : (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. : This is David. Talk to me. : You have reached 555-6238. Why? : This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your : you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know. : You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This : is the nineties. You know what to do. : You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a : message after the beep. : This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message : anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to : hear your latest exciting message.) : --- miscellaneous --- : (For Shakespeare lovers only:) : So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, : So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. : I am not home to talk to you, : But please don't be a creep. : Just leave your name and number, : At the sound of the... : This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not : the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You : can leave a message though. : Please leave us a message at the beep. And remember: It's not : the quantity of the message that counts, it's the quality. : Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. : Watch me pull their message out of this machine! : Rocky: Again? : Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious : dog barking, stops abruptly.) : Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. : Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. : (Recorded during a party:) : HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB : yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! B : mike's not home right now!! Look out! E : Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E : Was that the phone ringing? P : (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she : went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In : a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, : this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your : name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better. : --- farewell --- : These words are lovely dark and deep : But I've got promises to keep : and miles to go before I sleep : So leave a message at the beep. : Now I lay me down to sleep; : Leave a message at the beep. : If I die before I wake, : Remember to erase the tape. --