The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Nine
Who is The Mightiest Jungle Animal?
Who Is The Mightiest Of All The Jungle Animals?
-----------------------------------------------
From: Kilika
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
Politics Explained
Politics Explained
------------------
From: Juliette Annabelle Balster-Rivero
A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father,
"Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for
school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way
I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm
capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because
she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she
works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your
baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy
said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy
was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a
dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found
his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached
the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the
maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to
bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy,"
he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a
minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class,
government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
Stupid Men Jokes
Stupid Men Jokes
----------------
From: Juliette Annabelle Balster-Rivero
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convienience
stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said,
"where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.
Model Family
Model Family
------------
From: Tribe of Woolgatherer's Archives
(####)
(#######)
(#########)
(#########)
(#########)
(#########)
__&__ (#########)
/ \ (#########) |\/\/\/| /\ /\ /\ /\
| | (#########) | | | V \/ \---. .----/ \----.
| (o)(o) (o)(o)(##) | | \_ / \ /
C .---_) ,_C (##) | (o)(o) (o)(o) <__. .--\ (o)(o) /__.
| |.___| /____, (##) C _) _C / \ () /
| \__/ \ (#) | ,___| /____, ) \ > (C_) <
/_____\ | | | / \ /----' /___\____/___\
/_____/ \ OOOOOO /____\ ooooo /| |\
/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \
Ascii Table of Elements
Ascii Table of Elements
-----------------------
--
+---+ _ _ _ _ : Axolotl! +---+
|1 | ' ) ) ) _ , __ ________ ') / : Halvah! |2 |
|H | / ' (_/ (_/_/ (_(_) / / < \/ eeblefester :Sis Boom Ba! |He |
| 1| ......... /..................................:............ | 4|
+---+---+ +---+---+---+---+---+---+
|3 |4 | |5 |6 |7 |8 |9 |10 |
|Li |Be | (< __|~`---, <( |B |C |N |O |F |Ne |
| 7| 9| )> \ _ * | >) | 11| 12| 14| 16| 19| 20|
+---+---+ (< `~ \ / <( +---+---+---+---+---+---+
|11 |12 | )> Austin`-' TX >) |13 |14 |15 |16 |17 |18 |
|Na |Mg | |Al |Si |P |S |Cl |Ar |
| 23| 24| (nice little .sig you have here...) | 27| 28| 31| 32| 35| 40|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|19 |20 |21 |22 |23 |24 |25 |26 |27 |28 |29 |30 |31 |32 |33 |34 |35 |36 |
|K |Ca |Sc |Ti |V |Cr |Mn |Fe |Co |Ni |Cu |Zn |Ga |Ge |As |Se |Br |Kr |
| 39| 40| 45| 48| 51| 52| 55| 56| 59| 59| 64| 65| 70| 73| 75| 79| 80| 84|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|37 |38 |39 |40 |41 |42 |43 |44 |45 |46 |47 |48 |49 |50 |51 |52 |53 |54 |
|Rb |Sr |Y |Zr |Nb |Mo |Tc |Ru |Rh |Pd |Ag |Cd |In |Sn |Sb |Te |I |Xe |
| 85| 88| 89| 91| 93| 96| 99|101|103|106|108|112|115|119|122|128|127|131|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|55 |56 |57 |72 |73 |74 |75 |76 |77 |78 |79 |80 |81 |82 |83 |84 |85 |86 |
|Cs |Ba |La |Hf |Ta |W |Re |Os |Ir |Pt |Au |Hg |Tl |Pb |Bi |Po |At |Rn |
|133|137|139|178|181|184|186|190|192|195|197|201|204|207|209|209|210|222|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|87 |88 |89 |104|105|
|Fr |Ra |Ac |Rf |Ha |
|223|226|227|261|260|
+---+---+---+---+---+
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|58 |59 |60 |61 |62 |63 |64 |65 |66 |67 |68 |69 |70 |71 |
|Ce |Pr |Nd |Pm |Sm |Eu |Gd |Tb |Dy |Ho |Er |Tm |Yb |Lu |
|140|141|144|145|150|152|157|159|162|165|167|169|173|175|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|90 |91 |92 |93 |94 |95 |96 |97 |98 |99 |100|101|102|103|
|Th |Pa |U |Np |Pu |Am |Cm |Bk |Cf |Es |Fm |Md |No |Lr |
|232|231|238|237|244|243|247|247|251|254|257|256|254|257|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
The Rules Bedroom Golf
----------------------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed
bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment
for this reason.
9) Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been to become irate if they
discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a
private course.
11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at times.
Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactfull in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case.
12) Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before
attempting to play on the back nine.
13) Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permiting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
csh Shell Humor
csh shell humor
---------------
From: Jesse James Gearhart
-------------------------------
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
--------------------------------
(first line is a command you could type at a system prompt, the
second line is what the system would respond. --ME)
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
------------------------------------------
From: Tim Johnson
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the
edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would
probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have
struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various
people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and
gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn
were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special
rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's
work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually
sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that
was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some
people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but
Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural
paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world
as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were
in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle
role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her
what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to
dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesutre of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast
from society, the stress of which has caused you to develp and alternative and
yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be
on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker
route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
of his nature as predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and nurturing
matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If
I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on
college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trama. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure" said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do
you have any Maalox?"
Sexual Innuendo In Star Wars
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Twirl-a-Girl
______________ __ _____
| \ \
( | \ |_ /
| /__ \ |
_______ \ | \ \_______
/ | / \ | |
____ __ ___ __ _____ ________
\ \ / \ \ |
\ \ / \ |_ / (
/ /__ \ |
/ / \ \ __ \
/ / / \ | /
From Star Wars
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
From The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
Additional Lines:
10. "I shouldn't have come"
9. "Easy Chewie"
8. "Lower it", "I'm trying"
7. "I want you to take her"
6. "You're a jittery little thing aren't you"
5. "Point that thing someplace else"
4. "Oh! General Solo, somebody's coming"
3. "He'll get no such pleasure from us"
2. "In time you'll learn to use it as I have"
1. "I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew"
With Credits to the speakers:
13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I
did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)
12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han)
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
master." (Emperer)
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle
of Taanab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt,
you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
(Jerjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
(Darth)
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost
got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
(Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
Alien Help Wanted
HELP WANTED: Intelligent Alien Beings with advanced technology to
assist with plan to gain total world domination. We are two laboratory
mice who have been altered by genetic experimentation. One of us is a
genius and the other is insane. Tonight we plan to take over the world
in an elaborate plot that requires the assistance of beings from other
worlds. We are looking for previous experience in world domination. An
advanced degree is preferred. We also prefer aliens who can supply
ducks, hoses, and dental floss as well as an infindibulator. A thorough
understanding of the Theory of Everything is a must. This is an
excellent opportunity for a seasoned professional looking for a position
which will lead to global and galactic recognition. Salary is
commensurate with experience. Please send resume to
brain@acme-labs.com or post to this group.