The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Seven
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policy
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
--------------------------------------
REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer inquiries,
Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new
software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors,
Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob"
immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer,
Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support.
"It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the
computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing
policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the
Justice Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing
option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low
cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of
doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon
signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added
bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows
95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day
grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're
being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill
Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs.
"People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob.
Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't
be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first
Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed
to his forehead.
Rebecca's Joke of the Day
Rebecca's Joke of the Day
-------------------------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams
As God was handing out sexual prowess, Man came up to him and God gave
him 20 years. Man said, "God, is that all? I could really use some more
years." But God said that that was all he could give him.
Then, a Monkey came up and God gave him 20 years. The Monkey said, "God,
that's too much. I only need 10 years." Man said, "Oh, then can I have the
leftover 10 years?" And the Monkey said, "OK."
Then, a Lion came up and God gave him 20 years. The Lion said, "God,
that's too much. I only need 10 years." Man said, "Oh, then can I have the
leftover 10 years?" And the Lion said, "OK."
Then, a Donkey came up and God gave him 20 years. The Donkey said, "God,
that's too much. I only need 10 years." Man said, "Oh, then can I have the
leftover 10 years?" And the Donkey said, "OK."
This explains why men have 20 good years of sex, 10 years of monkeying
around, 10 years of lying about it, and 10 years of being a jack-ass.
West Virginia Application
West Virginia application
-------------------------
From: Jonathan L. Zung
You need to fill one of these out if you want to live in West Virginia.
If you're offended by it because you used to live in W. Virginia or know
somebody who does, TOO BAD! Enjoy!!!
Application to Live in West Virginia
Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________
CB Handle:_____________________
Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________
Mamma:_________________________
Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____Cassette Deck ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____
BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
Favorite Vocalist:
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other
Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy
Weapons Owned:
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmint Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle
___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
Number of Dependents: Legal:________ Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________
Memberships:
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons n' Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red? ___Yes ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________
Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________
Are you married to any of the following:
____Sister ____Cousin ____pig
Do you know her name?________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________
If so, why?______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___BO ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATE OF ALABAMA. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER.
HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT WEST VIRGINIA.
Hungry Squirrel Blues
Hungry Squirrel Blues
---------------------
From: pkf@u.washington.edu (Paula Freeman)
Hungry squirrel in my backyard, every day I sit and watch him beg
Hungry squirrel in my backyard, every day I sit and watch him beg
If I don't feed that squirrel soon, he's gonna run right up my leg
A squirrel's life ain't so easy, he's got a rumblin' deep in his gut
A squirrel's life ain't so easy, he's got a rumblin' deep in his gut
I'll take pity on that squirrel, and gonna give him a fat peanut
One nut ain't enough, though, old man squirrel just keeps wantin' more
One nut ain't enough, though, old man squirrel just keeps wantin' more
I'll plum run out of nuts soon, and have to head down to the grocery store
A squirrel's never satisfied, please believe what I tell you
A squirrel's never satisfied, please believe what I tell you
There ain't enough nuts in the world to keep that squirrel from gettin' blue
If Cheese Were Illegal
If Cheese were illegal
----------------------
If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world
would be a WHOLE lot different:
Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that
is JUST like the real thing, man.
-----
SCENE: Kid in "Phillies Cream" t-shirt in his bedroom. Father comes in
holding a long, thin cardboard box.
DAD: Son, is this your cheese?
[ KID takes off his earphones and stares. ]
DAD: Where did you get this?
KID: Dad, I can explai -
DAD (interrupting): Answer me! Who taught you to eat this stuff?
KID: YOU, ALL RIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!!
[ DAD goes into self-reflective mode as he remembers that moment with
the crackerbarrel ]
ANNOUNCE: Parents who eat cheese... have children who eat cheese.
TITLE: Paid for by Citizens for a Cheese-Free America
Anti-Cupid
Anti-Cupid
----------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams
Cupid was flying about one day,
looking to make some trouble.
He spotted a boy and a girl
and prepared to make a couple.
Cupid drew forth his shaft
and aimed straight and true.
This was why he didn't notice
the anti-cupid, come from out of
the blue.
The anti-cupid came up from behind
and drew forth a giant stick.
He wacked cupid on the head
with that big giant brick.
Cupid fell from the sky
with an ear splitting scream
He hit the ground at a
high velocity
The earth shuddered in a giant
BOOM
The sound that spelled the stupid
cupids DOOM
As the anti-cupid looked on with
intense glee
Everyone cheered because cupid
was ick-ee.
Yeah.
Increased Taxes
Increased Tax Payments
----------------------
From: Timothy John Johnson
> INCREASED TAX PAYMENTS
> TO: All male taxpayers
> FROM: Internal Revenue Service
> SUBJECT: Increased Tax Payments
>
> It has been brought to our attention that the only thing the
> Internal Revenue Service has not been taxing is your pecker. This is due
> to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed. 30% of
> the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but it
> operates in a hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both
> nuts.
>
> Accordingly, after February 1, 1995, your pecker will be taxed
> based on its size, using the pecker-checker scale below. Determine your
> category and insert the additional tax under "Other taxes" on page 2,
> part V, section 4, line 60 of your standard tax form.
>
> PECKER-CHECKER SCALE
>
> 10 to 12 inches -- LUXURY TAX $50.00
> 8 to 10 inches -- POLE TAX $16.00
> 6 to 8 inches -- PRIVILEGE TAX $25.00
> 4 to 6 inches -- NUISANCE TAX $ 5.00
>
> NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
>
> Do not apply for an extension. Males with peckers in excess of
> 12 inches should file under "Capital gain" and come into our office for
> special attention.
> --the IRS
Why Ask Why
Why Ask Why
-----------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams
> Why do you need a driver's license to buy
> liquor when you can't drink and drive?
>
> Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>
> Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
>
> Why are there flotation devices under plane
> seats instead of parachutes?
>
> Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
> smoking is prohibited there?
>
> Do you need a silencer if you are going to
> shoot a mime?
>
> Have you ever imagined a world with no
> hypothetical situations?
>
> How does the guy who drives the snowplow
> get to work in the mornings?
>
> If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
> why are there locks on the doors?
>
> If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>
> If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they
> make TEFLON stick to the pan?
>
> If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat
> and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
>
> If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
> what happens when you turn on the headlights?
>
> You know how most packages say "Open here". What is
> the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
>
> Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad
> of the drive-up ATM?
>
> Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
>
> Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
>
> Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
> called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
> it's called cargo?
>
> You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
> planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
> substance?
>
> Why is it that when you're driving and looking for
> an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
>
The Unofficial Similie Dictionary
The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
--------------------------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a BIG girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
- - -:-) User is a punk rocker
- - -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is reaally bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
|.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft,
a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend