The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Six
Simpson Stuff!!!
Simpsons Stuff!!
----------------
From:wbrownel@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
Here are a lot of the things that Bart has had to write on the chalk board
at the beggining of different episodes. Enjoy...
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
" " " " "
" " " " "
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
Before I Came To College I Wish I Had Know...
Before I Came To College I Wish I Had Known....
-----------------------------------------------
From: Tim
> > "Before I came to college I wish I had known..."
> >
> >
> > That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class,
> > I'd sleep right through it.
> > That I could change so much and barely realize it.
> > That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
> > That college kids throw airplanes too.
> > That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so
> > dressed up.
> > That every clock on campus shows a different time.
> > That if you were smart in high school--so what?
> > That I would go to a party the night before a final.
> > That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.
> > That you can know everything and fail a test.
> > That you can know nothing and ace a test.
> > That I could get used to almost anything I found out about
> > my roommate.
> > That home is a great place to visit.
> > That most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
> > That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
> > That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
> > That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
> > That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
> > That Psychology is really Biology,
> > That Biology is really Chemistry,That Chemistry is really Physics,
> > and Physics is really Math.
> > That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
> > That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by
> > friends
> > That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!
> > Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.
> > A farewell is necessary before we can meet again,
> > and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime
> > is certain for those who are friends.
30 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
30 Ways To Confuse Your Roomate
-------------------------------
From: Danielle Louise Hornberger
> 1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them
> to him/her before he/she goes to class.
>
> 2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far,
> and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.
> Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of
> laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny
> anymore."
>
>
> 3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without
> one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
>
> 4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
> for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed
> onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to
> "rescue" you.
>
> 5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day.
> Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup.
> When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and
> tell your roommate, "I was curious."
>
> 6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.
> Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the
> toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging
> it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
>
> 7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
> away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If
> your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
>
> 8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her
> something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
>
> 9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water.
> When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If
> he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend
> to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
> so.
>
> 10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin
> to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say,
> "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
>
> 11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile
> at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
>
> 12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
> jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans."
> Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
> them,
> "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
>
> 13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake
> him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
>
> 14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
> every morning.
>
> 15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies
> for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she
> tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
>
> 16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
> them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until
> he/she pays the tickets.
>
> 17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
> inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe
> with me."
>
> 18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering
> you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
>
> 19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,"Roommate Dying
> in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel."
> Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
>
> 20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into
> walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every
> time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act
> like you can see fine.
>
> 21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
> your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection
> with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that
> "Grandma said hi."
>
+> 22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
> collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised
> and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases.
> Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
>
> 23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically
> for about five minutes every time you put one on.
>
> 24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate,
> crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she
> looked like "the enemy."
>
> 25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
> subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
> memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
>
> 26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head
> crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again,
> and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
>
> 27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
> upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep
> saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
>
> 28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it,
> and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
>
> 29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
> the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires,
> refuse to discuss the situation.
>
> 30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're
> trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but
> you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a
> recipe for really great chili.
Quotes
Quotes
------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams
I recently came upon a stack of quotes I have acquired. Here are just a
few...
"It is never easy reaching for dreams. Strength and courage can
sometimes be lonely friends." -Flavia Weedn
"It's easy to come and go; the hard thing is to remain."
-Barbara Johnson
"Life isn't a fairy tail, but more like a choose your own adventure novel."
-?
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
-Jack Handy
"The words we most want to say are difficult to find sometimes. Their
journey begins far, far away in the heart."
-Flavia
"It maters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying isn't
of importance, it lasts so short a time."
-Dr. Samuel Johnson
"The people who tell you never to let little things worry you have never
tried sleeping in the same room with a mosquito."
-Barbara Johnson
"The first day a man is a guest, the second a burden, the third a pest."
-Edward Laboulaye
"If you treat every situation as a lif-and -death matter, you will die a
lot of times."
-Barbara Johnson
"Use the Force, Luke."
-OB1 canobi
"A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can."
-Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
"Our five senses are incomplete without a sixth- a sense of humor."
-Barbara Johnson
"On a cold rainy day in December of the gold-rush year of 1849, a young
West Point drop-out got off a ship in San Francisco and went looking for
a job. He'd spent his last cent getting thier. All night he slogged
through the muddy streets. But the next morning a man hailed him: 'Say,
boy, do you want a job?' 'Yes, sir!' 'Get up on that building and nail on
those shingles. I'll give you $8 a day.' 'Mister, I never drove a nail
in my life.' Someone else got the job."
"You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again."
-Barbara Johnson
"Only you can awaken the sleeping giant within you."
-Flavia
"You can't depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus."
-John F. Kennedy
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
-Eric Hoffer
"There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and
that isnot learning from experience."
-Barbara Johnson
"When I withdraw, when I become defensive, when I act as if I don't
care. These are the times I need you most."
-Flavia
"The mind is it's own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a
Hell of Heaven."
-John Milton
"When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not
done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell
me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When
I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve
my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. So please
listen and just hear me, and, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your
turn; and I'll listen to you."
-Anonymous
"Don't lose your head in the battle...you won't have any place to put
your helmet."
-Barbara Johnson
"The time for honesty has come. I can no longer hide behind excuses and
avoidance. I must finally accept the reality of my feelings and face the
consequences of owning them. Because, painful as it may be, the truth
hurts much less than trying to hide from it."
-?
"There is no free lunch. Don't feel entitled to anything you don't sweat
and struggle for."
-Marian Wright Edelman
"The time has come for introspection. I need to look at my life, to find
a direction. Where am I going? What do I want my life to say about me?
The choices are mine. My life will be what I make it. There are so many
directions. The options are limitless. I feel overwhelmed. What if I
make some wrong choices? What if I do something I'll regret? And yet I
must remember there is never any assurance that life will be perfect.
But there is one thing of which I can be certain...I will always have
ME. My strength lies within, and knowing that is all the guarantee I
will ever have or truely need..."
-?
"Don't be afraid of taking risks or being criticized. If you don't want
to be criticized, don't say anything, don't do anything, and don't be
anything."
-Marian Wright Edelman
"Thank you for the gifts you give me; the laughter, the love and for
being my friend."
-Flavia
Just Boot It!
Just Boot It!
-------------
From:jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
> Sung to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Beat It"
>
> You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
> Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
> The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
> Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
>
> Better think fast, better do what you can,
> Read the manual or call your system man,
> Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
> So BOOT IT,
>
> Get the system manager to
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Even though you'd rather shoot it.
> Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
> All that you do is flip a little switch.
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Get right down and restitute it.
> Don't get excited, all is not lost.
> CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
> Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
>
> You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
> The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
> Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
> BOOT IT.
>
> You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
> And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
> But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
> So BOOT IT,
>
> Call the local guru to
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Go ahead re-institute it.
> If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
> But if you are, it'll do it itself.
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Then go find the guy who screwed it!
> Operating systems are built to bounce back,
> Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
>
> BOOT IT! BOOT IT!
>
>
> You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
> Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
> The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
> Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
>
> Better think fast, better do what you can,
> Read the manual or call your system man,
> Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
> So BOOT IT,
>
> Get the system manager to
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Even though you'd rather shoot it.
> Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
> All that you do is flip a little switch.
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Get right down and restitute it.
> Don't get excited, all is not lost.
> CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
> Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
>
> You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
> The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
> Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
> BOOT IT.
>
> You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
> And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
> But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
> So BOOT IT,
>
> Call the local guru to
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Go ahead re-institute it.
> If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
> But if you are, it'll do it itself.
> BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
> Then go find the guy who screwed it!
> Operating systems are built to bounce back,
> Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
>
> BOOT IT! BOOT IT!
OpSys Cars
OpSys Cars
----------
From:jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
> WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
>
>
> >> MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
>
>
> >> Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
> attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
>
>
> >> Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
> drives you to church.
>
>
> >> Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the
> store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
> dashboard.
>
>
> >> Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
> you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his
> Learjet.
>
>
> >> OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
> drive to the store with a motorcycle escourt and a marching band in
> procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
>
>
> >> S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store.
>
> Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way,
> you are run over by kids on mopeds.
>
>
> >> OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
> store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
The Laws of Life
The Laws of Life
----------------
From: dunno
Wolter's Law:
If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money,
you won't have the time.
Lampner's Law of Employement:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When leaving work early,
you will meet your boss in the parking lot.
Fahnestock's Rule for Failure:
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that shows you tried.
Parson's Law of Passports:
Noone is as ugly as their passport picture.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he
will pick himself up and continue on.
Schmidt's Law:
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Ken's Law:
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
Heid's Observation:
Junk mail never quits.
Pattison's Law of Electronics:
If wires can be connected in two different ways, the first way blows the
fuse.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small
enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean winshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Herblock's Law:
If it's good, they discontinue it.
Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Rennie's Law of Public Transit:
If you start walking, the bus will come when you are precisly halfway
between stops.
Humphrie's Law of Bicycling:
The shortest route has the steepest hill.
Mrs. Weiler's Law:
Anything is edible if it is chopped fairly enough.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is
hidden on the bottom of the grocery bag.
Basic Baggage Principle:
Whatever carousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it -- get a hammer.
Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
If you take something apart and put it back together enough times,
eventually you will have two of them.
Top 6 Provisions of Newt Gingrich's Book Contract
Top 6 Provisions In Newt Gingrich's Book Contract
-------------------------------------------------
6. Agreement that his mom won't go around revealing the contents of the book
to people before they get a chance to buy it for themselves
5. Must include one sample chapter from Lonergan's novel-in-progress
4. At end of story, main character says, "Politics means never having to
say you're sorry."
3. Contains special coupons good for one free back rub by Newt himself
2. Just between you and me, Connie Chung gets a free copy
1. Proposed title: 101 Women Who I Think Are Real Bitches
Top 6 Signs Clinton Won't Get the Democratic Nomination in '96
Top 6 Signs Clinton Won't Get The Democratic Nomination in 1996
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. He fired Joycelyn Elders, and had her replaced by Beavis & Butthead
5. Scares tourists by allowing Willie Nelson to walk around White House roof
4. Has been caught wandering around Congress wearing a Cher wig, and
trying to get Sonny Bono's autograph
3. Starts all his speeches by saying, "I don't care.. I just don't care!"
2. Hasn't recieved a free daily truckload of McDonald's french fries in weeks
1. Newt Gingrich's mom called him a bitch