The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume One
The New Season
The New Season
--------------
Well, for the lack of baseball on television, i have decided
to bring back the humble tradition of the Looking-Glass world.
But be reassured, I do not have 24-hour access this year, so I
won't be as frequent or as obnoxious.
This is just aquick note to say that my school starts monday, and
that I am in Fresno visiting Alice. It says "alice in wonderland"
but really itshould be "alice in the central valley".
I am also curious if anyone is wanting tohelp in a limited
revival of the Tribe. I liked sending out all that fun stuff.
I don't need to havecontrol, I just want to retain a sense of
editorial concern for the people in the group. I don't think
anyone wants junk mail from someone they don't really know
about somethng they have no concern of. But if you are sending
out something funny, then do so.
anyway...i gotta girlfriend to spend time with.
matte.
Mentos FAQ
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The Mentos FAQ V1.0 (9/14/94 final)
(c) 1994 Heath Doerr doerrhb@expert.cc.purdue.edu
Index:
[*=Updated sections; ^=New sections]
Section 1: Commercial Synopsis*
1a: Commercial History, Origin, Explanation
1b: Jingle Lyrics
Section 2: The Candies*
2a: Packaging*
2b: Ingredients*
2c: Manufacturial Data
Section 3: Miscellaneous^
Section 4: Credits*
Section 5: History*
Section 1: Commercial Synopsis
1. The Broken Shoe (or 'High Heel Treachery')
A sassy young lady sashays past an open air French style cafe,
gaining the attention of a business man, and at the same time
interrupting his newspaper enjoyment. As she glides past, a
footwear malfunction occurs, leaving her sans one heel. She
reaches for her secret freshness inducer, Mentos. After
administering a piece of the magic elixir of nuttiness, she
breaks off the remaining spike, proclaiming to the world her
resourcefulness, and endless freshness. The man in the cafe
is undoubtedly impressed.
2. The Fake Photographer (or 'Those Crazy Kids I')
A young lad and his pals file through a mob of fanatics and
paparazzi, in order to get a closer look at their favorite star.
However, their adventure takes them over the legal boundaries
of said activity, which is then pointed out to them by the
authorities. After a bit of contemplation, and a hearty dose
of freshness ala Mentos, our hero cunningly disguises himself
as a member of the media, and breaks through the defenses of the
establishment.
3. The Airport Tram Ride (or 'Baggage Claim Blues')
A young woman finds herself in a bit of a pinch, as she discovers
that she has packed too much, and her bags are a most bothersome
burden. But she has no fear, it is a burden which is not
insurmountable, especially with Mentos on her side. She unsheathes
her glimmering blue tube of freshness, and holds it out stretched,
like the mighty Excalibur, and although shortening it by 1/14,
this weapon has not lost its power. She consumes the pellet of
perkiness, and decrees that she and only she shall be the one to
ride the baggage cart, and all the other most unfresh patrons of
the airport shall bear the full weight of their baggage. Her
friends cheer, and dream of one day achieving a freshness such
as hers.
4. The Car Movers (or 'Overalls and Mentos')
Only an unfresh person would park his car in such a way as to make
his fellow motorist unable to go about her merry way, but that's
just what our heroine is faced with in this episode of the Mentos
saga. After an exchange of dirty looks, and communication of the
parkee's need for promptness, the young girl contemplates her
dilemma with the aid of a freshmaker. She has a revelation,
and summons what looks to be the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive
line from a construction site across the way. With surprisingly
little convincing, the barbarians lift her Fiat into the road, and
as she thanks them she glances in the way of her nemesis, only to
add an exclamation point to her freshness.
5. Evading Mom (or 'Psycho Mutant Killer Mom')
While enjoying a pleasant afternoon at the mall, a teen and his
companions suddenly spot one of their mothers. She raises her
umbrella, signifying that she has acquired her target, and means
to move in for the kill. Quickly searching his person, the teen
removes from his pocket the only thing to help him out of this
bind, Mentos. Thinking quickly, and now sporting fresh, clean
breath, he seizes a baseball cap from a nearby mannequin. The
perfect disguise! Placing it on his head in a diagonal pattern,
he strikes a pose and avoids his pursuer. She spots him again,
but this time only after entering the escalator. Knowing she has
been vanquished, mom shakes her weapon yet again, all the while
thinking, 'My son is sooo fresh!'
6. Through the Car (or 'The 3 Second Car Jacking')
There is little peace in the land of Mentos, as yet another teen
is faced with a distressing problem. While crossing the street, he
is separated from his friends, and nearly from his legs by an over
anxious motorist. Finding himself needing to traverse the street,
but without a normal means to do so, he again thanks his lucky
stars he remembered the freshmaker. His supply is reduced by one,
but his freshness is increased exponentially. Opening the rear
door, he climbs through the auto, while the driver looks over
his shoulder in astonishment. Upon exiting, the youth shrugs
at the motorist, Mentos in hand. Although a bit shaken, the
passenger acknowledges the care free youths with an approving
glance as he speeds away. "Wait till the wife hears of my brush
with freshness!"
7. The Backstage Crew (or 'Those Crazy Kids II')
In the final episode, once again the establishment has prevented
some teens from achieving their goal. At the backstage door to
a rock concert, our friends are star struck and must find a way
backstage to meet their idols, demonstrate their freshness, and
enjoy each others minty clean breath. Musical paraphernalia is
being unloaded, and with the aid of a bandanna, one teen slips
through the line undetected. At the last moment, a security guard
spots him, but instead of pouncing on him and beating him to a
bloody mess with his nightstick, he lets him go showing an
expression that could only mean one thing, "Those crazy kids!".
Bravo!
Commercial History, Origin, and Explanation:
Thanks to Jan Setje-Eilers (jse@expert.cc.purdue.edu), the
mystery of the Mentos commercials' origin has been solved. The
ads originated in Germany, and concrete proof of this has been
obtained. In 'The Three Second Car Jacking', the street the
incident takes place on is located in Munich, Germany. Also,
the characters of 'Psycho Mutant Killer Mom' are actors from a
sitcom taking place in Northern Germany. The mother, (incidentally,
whose last name is 'Teufel', which means Devil in German) is a
crazy character in the show, and one who would be avoided normally.
Anyone who has seen the sitcom, (i.e. Germans) would understand
this, but the American audience is understandably confused.
Note: The spots are run in English throughout the world.
Note 2: According to Chad Jones (cjones@gse.ucla.edu), 'High Heel
Treachery' was filmed on the Third Street Promenade, a
shopping district in Santa Monica, CA. Also, 'The 3
Second Car Jacking' was filmed in Downtown Los Angeles.
Personally, I find it hard to believe that German actors
were flown to America to film commercials, but you can
draw your own conclusions. Be fresh, Chad!
Jingle lyrics:
'Doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!'
It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better with life,
and Mentos is fresh and full of life.
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool,
with Mentos, fresh and full of life.
Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better
with Mentos, fresh and full of life!
Mentos, the freshmaker!
Section 2: The Candies
The candies themselves come in five varieties; 'Mint', 'Mixed
Fruit', 'Cinnamon', 'Strawberry', and 'Spearmint'. Taste and
color are drastically different between them, but in every other
way they are quite similar.
The shape of a Mentos candy is disklike, with an ellipsical
bulge in the middle. They measure 3/4" in diameter, and at their
largest point, 6/16" tall.
Net weight is reported as 1.3 OZ/37.5 g, but this was
impossible to confirm at the time of this writing.
Coloring of the Mint candies is a chalky light hue, that extends
throughout the entire candy. The fruit variety contains three
colors, purple (grape), yellow (lemon), and orange (orange).
Cinnamon and Strawberry have a reddish/pinkish hue, Cinnamon
being the darker of the two. Spearmint Mentos have a light
greenish coloration, and like all Mentos, possess a chalk-like
consistency.
The Mint flavor variety unsurprisingly taste like peppermint, and
could be considered to possess a breath freshening function as well
as a cool, menthol-like aftertaste. Mixed Fruit have none of these
properties, but are instead quite sweet. The differences between
the flavors contained in a mixed fruit package are small. Color
seems to be the only real distinguishable quality. Strawberry
are also sweet, but contain a light, and unmistakable strawberry
flavor. Cinnamon do indeed taste like cinnamon, possessing a
semi-cinnamon burn feeling often found in strong cinnamon gum.
Spearmint are closely related to Mint, and are lucky enough to
serve as a breath freshener as well.
Mentos' texture is not uniform. The candies have a thin crunchy
shell and when chewed, disintegrate into a gum like consistency.
If appropriate, they then release their breath freshening
characteristics.
Packaging:
Mentos candies come in cylinder shaped 'rolls', with 14 included
in each roll. The label consists of 'mentos' written in block
letters, covering approximately 2/3 of the roll lengthwise.
Next to this logo is the flavor identification, (i.e. 'mint' or
'mixed fruit') although flavor identification can be more readily
obtained from the background coloring of the label. Mint has a
misty bluish white photograph of many Mentos scattered about,
while mixed fruit has a more colorful representation of the same
shapes, including purple, orange, and yellow disks. Cinnamon
wrappers are similar, but are colored in a deep blood red.
Strawberry wrappers are a lighter, almost orangey red. Spearmint
follows Mint's lead with a clouded hue, this time more green than
blue.
It is important to note that the colors displayed on the package
are actually much more vibrant and deep than that of the actual
product. Do not be misled, all Mentos have a very light hue to
them, no matter what the flavor.
Ingredients:
Mint: sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil,
gelatin, dextrin, natural flavor, corn starch,
gum arabic.
Mixed Fruit: sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil,
gelatin, dextrin, natural and artificial flavor,
gum arabic, coloring.
Strawberry: sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil,
citric acid, gelatin, dextrin, corn starch,
artificial flavor, gum arabic, coloring.
Cinnamon: sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil,
gelatin, dextrin, corn starch, cinnamon, natural
and artificial flavors, salt, gum arabic,
artificial colors (yellow 5, red 3, blue 2).
Spearmint: sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil,
gelatin, dextrin, natural flavors, corn starch,
gum arabic, artificial color (blue 2).
For nutritional information, you can write to:
Nutritional Data
P.O. Box 18190
Erlanger, KY 41018
Manufacturer:
Mentos are made by Van Melle, Inc. and manufactured for
Van Melle by:
Van Melle
Breda / Holland
in Australia they are imported by:
Stuart Alexander & Co. Pty. Ltd.
62 Rosebery Ave.
Rosebery, N.S.W. 2018 Australia
Van Melle's corporate headquarters:
Van Melle, Inc.
Erlanger, KY 41018
Section 3: Miscellaneous
Item: According to Paulo A. Pereira (oluap@MIT.EDU), there is a sale
on Mentos at the CVS in Porter Sq., Cambridge, MA as this is
being written. Be fresh, and save a bundle!
Item: Mentos are $0.54 at the Purdue Student Union.
Item: I am currently negotiating with the Psychology department
here at Purdue, in an attempt to obtain a research grant for
the purposes of studying what I have termed 'the freshness
effect' caused by consuming Mentos brand candies. Although there
seems to be no mind altering substances contained in Mentos,
individuals suddenly become aroused, inventive, and loose all
regard for the norms of society a short time after using
them. I've asked for $23,729.
Item: According to Jeffrey F. Brent (lorax@acpub.duke.edu), Mentos
also come in Licorice or 'Lakrits' flavor. Some Danish friends
apparently possessed these beauties, and (as far as I know)
the states have not been graced with them yet. They had a
white shell, and a black center. A black wrapper shielded
them from the elements, and they [you guessed it] tasted
like Licorice. Jeff also claims to be working on a Macintosh
arcade style game called "Mentos(R) in the Hands of Torgo(TM)"
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Section 4: Credits
Originator, and maintainer of the Mentos FAQ:
Heath Doerr (doerrhb@expert.cc.purdue.edu)
Submission credits:
Ron Bauerle (bauerle@crypt.erie.ge.com)
Jeffrey F. Brent (lorax@acpub.duke.edu)
Emily Cox (zebra@gorn.iuma.com)
Figlet, the ASCII font creator.
Todd A. Gibson (tgibson@lookout.ecte.uswc.uswest.com)
Alan Jaffray (ajaffray@midway.uchicago.edu)
Chad Jones (cjones@gse.ucia.edu)
Richard N. Kitchen (da825@cleveland.Freenet.Edu)
Paulo A. Pereira (oluap@MIT.EDU)
Jan Setje-Eilers (jse@expert.cc.purdue.edu)
Andrew R. Shulman (andys@world.std.com)
spatula@titan.ucs.umass.edu
Genna Totten (dedisti@rhf.bradley.edu)
Well wishers:
Andrea (apf62@cas.org)
hsapiens@clark.net
Jennifer (jenster@netexas.com)
John Kilburd (john@cephas.ISRI.UNLV.EDU)
Allan McKillop (Allan.McKillop@Eng.Sun.COM)
Synth Oberheim (synth@yuri.abq.nm.us)
Nelson Tang (tang@sd.inri.com)
Dan A. Thompson (dant@austin.ibm.com)
Anthony M. Vervoor (falstaff@netcom.com)
Kelly G. Willis (fpp@mace.cc.purdue.edu)
Tyler K. Wong (neoncap@netcom.com)
Section 5: History
9/2/94: V.01 (beta)
9/6/94: V.5
9/7/94: V.9
9/14/94: V1.0 (final)
MENTOS: THE FRESHMAKER
--
|~~~| Heath Doerr | "My only regret in life is
|* | Purdue University | that I did not drink more
| | West Lafayette, IN | Champagne."
<..=~ doerrhb@expert.cc.purdue.edu | - John Keynes
How to Keep Occupied in an Elevator
> HOW TO KEEP OCCUPIED IN AN ELEVATOR
-----------------------------------
>
> 1.Make car racing noises when anyone gets on or off.
> 2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
> passengers.
> 3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering;"Shut up,
> dammit, all of you just shut up!"
> 4.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.
> 5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
> 6.On a long elevator ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
> the elevator.
> 7.Shave.
> 8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
> enough air in there?"
> 9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
> upside-down.
> 10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
> getting off, ever.
> 11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
> then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
> 12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Noogie patrol coming!"
> 13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
> them to call you Admiral.
> 14.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
> until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
> 15.Do Tai Chi exercises.
> 16.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then
> announce:"I've got new socks on!"
> 17.When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back:"Oh not
> now, damn motion sickness!"
> 18.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
> 19.Meow occassionally.
> 20.Bet other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
The Dieter's Guide to Weight Loss During Sex
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
--------------------------------------------
From: Michael Russell Dong
Pocket Calorie Counter
At-a-Glance Information About Sex and Fat
Activity Calories Burned
______________________ ___________________
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
Hiding Sex Manual 3
Seducing Partner
If you are shy 15
If you are rich 5
If you are poor 164
Fumbling Around 4
Serious Fondling 14
Blowing in Partner's Ear
Using Mouth 9
Using Bellows 15
Using Blow Dryer Set on Low Setting 2
Blowing in Your Own Ear 158
FOREPLAY
Honestly Telling Partner What Gets You Excited 5
French Kissing
With Mouth Open 19
With Mouth Closed 239
Achieving Erection
For Man 2.75
For Woman 549
INTERCOURSE AND THINGS RELATED
Doing it for the First Time 204
Doing it for the Last Time 1.5
Putting on Prophylactic
With Erection 4
Without Erection 300
Insertion
If Woman is Ready 0.25
If Man is Not 274
Positions
Italian: Man on Top, Woman in Kitchen 26
Russian: Woman on Bottom, Man Getting Permission 55
American: Both on Top 60
Intercourse
Moderate 15
Heavy 27
Merciless Pounding 50
Blacking Out 125
Orgasm
Real 27
Faked 160
Premature Ejaculation 5
Immature Ejaculation 3
AFTERWARD
Expressing Thanks 2
Avoiding the Wet Spot 20
Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life
Your Favorite Color is the
Key to Your Sexual Life
---------------------------
The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive
all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you
select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite
color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in
your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one
that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.
A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum,
explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They
are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual
spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get
together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of
red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are
complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals
is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In
most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a
passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will
never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in
sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to
deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they
secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire
wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts.
They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not
keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose
husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be
too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the
type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach
to lovemaking In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their
fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not
necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the
sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer
perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are
moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during
unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the
color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and
teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their
approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins
all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but
in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about
infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies.
The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the
star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet
nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange
people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act.
Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the
sex partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right
mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't
say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain
or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown.
They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are
such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive.
They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose
a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of
relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam,
thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for
one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become
pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act
is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey
spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries
another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are
sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They
consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who
love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner
like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex
to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be
compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and
men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking
outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems
filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is
obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love
white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after
the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
Quotes of a Confused Man
Quotes of A Confused Man
--------------------------
From: Eric Castro
I told this girl I'm a homosexual...
I only have sex at home.
And she said I looked more like a bisexual ...
I'm gonna have to buy it.
And I said I was really a trisexual ...
I try and try and try...
Whales
Whales
------
From:wbrownel@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which
sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead
whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for gettin rid
of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division,
apparently on the theory that highways and wales are very similar in
the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, i am not
making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking
is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
They moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am proabaly not guilty
of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is
the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you
see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.
Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then,
suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like
"splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY
GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked
more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were
several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There
were no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to
Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
often, especially at parties.
Tom Mahoney, #9, Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div 13 CatLo
Special High Intensity Training
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give
employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not
receive
your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You
will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers
are
especially skilled at seeing that you will get all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T., will be placed in Departmental
Employee
Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.
seriously, will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our manager took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to
do
S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.
We
can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please direct them to our Head of
Training,
Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank You,
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
Right and Wrong Things to Say to Your Blind Date
RIGHT AND WRONG THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR BLIND DATE
------------------------------------------------
WRONG RIGHT
I'm a financial transaction I'm a race car driver.
computer programmer.
I own a house. I rent a trailer.
I'm a Boy Scout Scoutmaster. I play guitar in a grunge band.
I don't own a television. I watch "Real Life" on MTV.
I wear a suit and tie to work. I wear nipple clamps.
My job pays well. I get minimum wage.
I juggle and ride a unicycle for I chant at gay and lesbian
children's parties. alliance rallies.
I read usenet news at work. I read Kafka at the grocery
co-op.
Sometimes I like to go to Wendy's I eat hummus and bean sprouts
for a burger. in a pita.
I am a virgin. I peirced my penis.