101 uses for a dead diaphragm ----------------------------- I am a married woman in my mid 30's. Several weeks ago, I had a slightly abnormal PAP test. My doctor told me to stop using my cervical cap, which rests directly on the cervix, and choose another method of birth control. (I am supposed to get retested in two months.) I decided to try using a diaphragm instead. When my doctor fitted me, she was surprised that the size that seemed to fit me best was so large. In fact..it was the LARGEST that was made. Usually used by women who had had KIDS (I only have a cat)! But..the first time I tried it on at home in the heat of the moment, of course the damn thing was TOO DAMN BIG. I won't bore you with the details. I tried it again during a calmer moment, and no go. I mean..the thing cost $35. So...I called the doctor and I have to get refitted. But..paying all that money for something I never really used bothers me. Plus, as you may know, it is ecologically better to reuse things than throw them away. In that spirit, my friends and I have come up with other uses for this huge diaphragm I can't wear. (For those of you who haven't actually SEEN a diaphragm, it's round, about three and a half inches in diameter, and made of latex. ) For example: Sew up the edges and use it as a change purse. Give it to a group of midgets with palsy to use as a safe frisbee A yarmukle for Jewish infants who spit up a lot Send it to the women down in Texas Stick a pinhole in it and send it to Marilyn Quayle Sneeze guard for baby bottles Overshoes for baby elephants Knee protectors for young skaters Adjustable mutes for trombones Line with foil and use as unbreakable, flexible pocket mirror Toss your old coasters in the trash! You won't need them any more with the new SteinGuard (TM) the Coaster That Stays Attached to Your Beer Mug! Source of endless amusement for NET subscribers with too much time Handy dish for holding flesh removed in nasal operations Collection plate for very small (or poor) churches Cat beret A cap to seal open beverage cans and half full tumblers Paint it and use it as window decoration Add a pole and use it for a beach umbrella for mice Hi frequency radio receiver dish Poke a pencil though it and sell it as a top (for $9.95) Poke sapling through it and use as an ant shield Pack it away with some rubber cement: voila! Rubber Raft Repair Kit! Snow saucer for mice Cup trivet An earring for Boy George Half a set of pasties Reusable liner for petrie culture dishes Poke holes in it, place in front of a light source and use it to project star patterns Replacement pad for electronic drum heads Decorative pendulum cover (paint it with your own patterns) Serving appliance for cupcakes and dinner rolls Helpful grip for opening those stubborn jar lids Golfer's driving target/ball return Golfer's cheat: seal the hole just below the rim Poke candle through it: wax guard Circle template Mute/spit guard for microphones Wading pool for ants Sound membrane for a really big kazoo Matte material for a framed picture of Newt Lens filter for Rush Limbaugh camera crews A trampoline for gerbals As a pair, with a small rubber ball, a new beach badminton game An emergency parachute for any member of the Republican party An inner thigh exercise device to rival Suzanne Summer's success A sort of but not quite safe sex audio visual screen A heavy duty oral sex dental dam A target for circle jerks