The Postmodern Archaeology Report
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102763
- Chronology of Pop Culture, vol.692 -- Cheetos
- Famous Members of SPAM, no.78 -- Richard Nixon
- History and Transformation of SPAM, vol.1
- Excerpts from the Postmodern Archaeologist's Handbook
- SPAM motto
- official SPAM fight song
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102764
- Famous Members of SPAM, no.83 -- Henry Ford
- Contemporary Criticism and Satire of SPAM, vol.123
- David Letterman's Top Ten List "Reasons to join SPAM"
- Excerpts from the Postmodern Archaeologist's Handbook
- Writings of the Members of SPAM -- "An Archaeologist's Daydream"
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102765
- Famous Members of SPAM, no.84 -- Dan Quayle
- Study Guide for Postmodern History (20th C.)
- Excerpts from the Postmodern Archaeologist's Handbook
Matte
Elsbernd - melsbern@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102763
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102763 |
| |
| Journal of the Society of Postmodern Archeaologists & Mailcarriers |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Issues no.0 - no.102762 of The Postmodern Archaeology Report are on
file in the archives of TOMB ROBBER: The Organization for the Management,
Brokering, and Recycling of Old, Broken-down Basic-truths, and Evident
Realities.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Misprint in issue no. 102754 reads:
"The Republican Party announced "It is the right of
Americans to expect their government to promote the
orgies in the family structure'."
should read:
"The Republican parties announced right and left in
the halls of government was promoted as a family
affair."
the Editor regrets the inconveniance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CHRONOLOGY of AMERICAN POP CULTURE vol.692 the Cheeto
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1813 - Chemist in London finishes day with strange orange stains on
fingers--finds fascinating--tries to replicate occurence.
1821 - After an 8year blitz of experimentation, comes up with first
working prototype--an orange, bite-sized treat which leaves
a touch of orange residue on fingers--not enough residue--made
mainly of carrots.
1827 - Increases amount of orange residue by trial and error--tries to
market his discoverey as "Carrot-Toes" because they are to-shaped
--not very sucessful.
1842 - Chemist dies in frustration--7 months later, British Army discovers
use of Carrot-Toes for helping nightvision in its troops--
alters recipe to fit army ration regulations--becomes a green
"loaf"--quickly vanishes from use.
1912 - American inventor discovers a box of British army rations and
gets a high from eating the well-aged Carrot-Toes--tries to
replicate the experience--has on hand an abundant supply of
fresh cheese.
1915 - Inventor stumbles upon the goal of the chemist: orange fingers--
tries to market his product on the US market--calls his product
"Cheese-Toes"--lackluster sales.
1929 - In the height of the depression, homeless family stumbles upon
warehouse full of old Cheese-Toes--eat the whole warehouse full
of them--realize stale cheese made them taste better--remarket
them--sales boom.
1981 - Wall St. Businessmen realize stale cheese is too expensive, so
change recipe--cheese tasting flavor, no cheese--FDA forces name
change--"Cheetos"--oddly enough, orange residue on fingers
glows in the dark.
1996 - Cheetos become the official health food for the Summer Olympic
Games in Atlanta--wouldn't work in the cold of the Winter
Olympics: changed temperature of chemical reactions.
------------------------------------------------------
used with permission (c)1994 The Frito-Lay Funny Pages
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Famous Members of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers file no.78
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard Nixon -- Former President of the United States. Famous for
his later years with his turn on SPAM, especially
his PAP smear during the Watergate Scandal. Tried
to incriminate various members of SPAM and the policies
SPAM was founded on.
--------------------
(PAP:Postmodern Archaeologist Policy)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
History and Transformations of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers vol. 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Royal Archaeological Society (RAS) :
Established in the early 19th C. Sponsored Academic research
into the excavation of things, places, and people.
The Royal Archaeologist & Mailcarrier Society (RAMS) :
With the introduction of the Royal Mailcarriers into the fold,
the RAMS grew stronger winning their division, conference, and
finally the SuperBowl in 1825.
Royal Archaeology Worldwide (RAW) :
A torrid parting of the Mailcarriers left the Society in a
leadership vacuum. The great grandfather of comedian Eddie
Murphy was President of RAW during this period.
Society of Archaeology Worldwide (SAW) :
Trying to become an international organization, all ties
with the crown of England were severed. Another turbulent
time in the Society's history.
Society of Archaeologists & Mailcarriers (SAM) :
Finding the leadership in America this time, the Mailcarriers
Worldwide joined up forces. A brilliant new recruiting campaign
was started featuring ads reading: "Uncle SAM wants you!"
Campaign was sucessful and membership increased until US Army
copied the slogan.
Society of Postmodern Archaeology (SPA) :
Seeing themselves as maturing past the Modernist stage, the Society
adopted the well-documented rules of Postmodernism. In response,
once again, the Mailcarriers left the fold. SPA was sucessful
until the Whirlpool corporation sued for copyright infringment.
(at this point, the Society almost became SPACKLE: The Society of
Postmodern Archaeologists, Carpenters, and Klepto Laywers & Engineers,
but the US Congress rules against this merger as a monopoly. the
owners of Milton Bradley then hit upon the idea of their world-famous
game.)
The Society of Archaeologists & Mailcarriers (SPAM) :
Which is the name which the Society has operated under since
May 17, 1974.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from
The Postmodern Archaeologists Handbook seriesAB
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPAM motto = "Dig it up!"
SPAM's official fight song (originally established by RAS)
"If it's buried, Dig it up!
If it's dead, Dig it up!
If it's laid to rest, Dig it up!
If it's quietly forgotten, Dig it up!
God save the King, Dig him up!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matte Elsbernd -- Editor-in-Chief, Founder, and only Member
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
all rights reserved (c)1995 The Society of Archaelogists & Mailcarriers
email for subscription to Matte Elsbernd melsbern@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102764
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102764 |
| |
| Journal of the Society of Postmodern Archeaologists & Mailcarriers |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Misprint in issue no. 102763 reads:
"The Republican party announced right and left in
the halls of government was promoted as a family
affair."
should have read:
"The Tub & Can party announced 'it is the night of Toucans
to respect their governments promotion of families in the
orgy structures'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Famous Members of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers file no.83
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Ford -- Tried to create a model of car honoring the Society
which gave him so much, but an ad campaign for the
car: "a Ford SPAM" increased the sales of a certain
canned meat product and not the car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contemporary Criticism and Satire of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers vol. 123
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten List (as seen on Late Night With David Letterman)
"Reasons to Join SPAM:"
10. A free can with membership dues.
9. Joint parties with TANG (Texas Armed-Neighbors Gang)
8. Heightened lobbying powers in Washington:
"Mr. President, SPAM is on the phone."
"Didn't I tell you to get me ham, not SPAM."
7. A spiced membership card
6. Chance to laugh at other abbreviated organizations:
NRA, NAACP, ACLU, AFL-CIO
5. Plans for low-salt SPAM.
4. No waiting in line for the special holiday 20-lb SPAM tins.
3. SPAM (doesn't it just speak for itself?
2. Just do it! (woops...sorry NIKE)
1. The annual SPAM bbq!
------------------------------------------------
World Wide Pants (c) 1994 all rights reserved
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from
The Postmodern Archaeologists Handbook
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers Constitution:
article I. Dig it up! (RAS)
amendment A. Send it! (RAMS)
amendment B. Overseas! (RAW)
amendment C. Kill the Queen! (SAW)
amendment D. Mail her a bomb! (SAM)
amendment E. Soak in it! (SPA)
amendment F. Can it! * (SPAM)
----------------------------------------------
* question as to whether comment was really on
the record.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writings of the Members of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"an archaeologist's daydream"
the dig is four-feet deep,
it's been days since i've been to sleep.
not much have i uncovered,
except...what's this?...i've discovered...
a femur of a lemur? no.
a thigh of a fly? no.
i've found the cranium
of a Martian geranium,
one with five arms and legs
who watched "Square Pegs."
three eyes and a pair of noses,
and a mouth that never closes.
two attena from the rear
at a hundred miles could smell a deer.
four-feet down
i've found it's crown.
a foot to the left.
i've found it's cleft.
oh joy, i've found it now.
no more six-hoofed cows,
no short-neck giraffes,
no flying calfs.
just a space-travelling fossil
that thrived on falafel.
Dr. Kubrick Stonewall (c) 1965
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matte Elsbernd -- Editor-in-Chief, Founder, and only Member
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
all rights reserved (c)1995 The Society of Archaelogists & Mailcarriers
email for subscription to Matte Elsbernd melsbern@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102765
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| The Postmodern Archaeology Report no.102765 |
| |
| Journal of the Society of Postmodern Archeaologists & Mailcarriers |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Misprint in issue no. 102754 reads:
"The Tub & Can party announced 'it is the right of Toucans
to respect their governments promotion of families in the
orgy structures'."
should have read:
"The Democratic Party announced "It is the desire of the
Republicans to expect orgies in government and not to tell
their families."
the Editor regrets the inconveniance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Famous Members of
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers file no.84
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan Quayle = Was Vice-President of the Society until his unsucessful
attempt to change the organization to inclued elevator
operators (SPAME).
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Study Guide for Postmodern History (20th C.)
as prepared by The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACID RAIN: Precipitation while on LSD.
ARAB LEAGUE: The third of the original league's in baseball, only the
American and National Leagues remain.
ARMS RACE: A mix between arm wrestling and stock car racing popular in
most 3rd World countries and oddly enough the Vatican City.
ASWAN DAM: The dam on the Peacock Reiver forming the Flamingo Lake.
AYATOLLAH: What the annoying neighbor's boy tells you everytime something
go predictably wrong.
BAY OF BIGS: A horrendous accident which became a public relations
nightmare for pork producers everywhere.
BELGIAN CONGO: (Now known as Bongo) A brand of jeans.
BERLIN AIRLIFT: The first and only architectural evacuation -- the
uprooting, transporting, and replanting of entire
urban sectors.
BIPOLARITY: The name used to describe the condition of bisexual Polar Bears.
CAMP DAVID ACCORDS: A limited edition model produced by Honda for
ex-Presidents and other government officials.
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: Where all of the brains of government is stored
away in confidential, sealed tubes.
CEYLON: The opposite of Ceyloff (rock-climbing terminology).
COLD WAR: The first air-conditioned full-scale armed conflict.
COMMON MARKET: Any grocery store which carries your usual assortment of
mass-market food.
CONTAINMENT POLICY: The unofficial Constitution of toxic-waste disposal
companies.
CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS: Somehow they ran out. Panic. Russians tried to
replace them. The US said "NO!" Almost WWIII all
because some bloke didn't notice the missiles
disappearing.
DOMINO THEORY: (1) That your pizza should get to you in 30 minutes.
(2) The belief that if one country gives up playing cards
for dominoes, then others will.
FIDEL CASTRO: A prominent San Francisco nightclub.
GREAT LEAP FORWARD: Taken right after the Great Hop Back in the Hokey
Pokey of life.
IRON CURTAIN: A rusty shower addition.
MARSHALL PLAN: A bright idea to have celebrities rise in convertibles in
parades, started with the end of WWII.
MARXISM: The style of comedy left by the Marx brothers.
MEDICAL REVOLUTION: The influx of new hospital shows on every network.
OPEC: Other People's Evolutionary Canal (Political Correct version of OPP)
POPULATION EXPLOSION: The point of male sexual climax.
POST INDUSTRIAL SOCIETY: Those who eat their Raisan Bran.
RUNAWAY URBANIZATION: The Tendency for runaways to end up in a city.
STAR WARS: Ronald Reagan's attempt to emulate his favorite movies.
SUEZ CRISIS: An era of rampant litagation (still in progress).
U-2 SPYPLANE INCIDENT: Some youth spotted a plane charted by the Irish band
U2 running drugs from South America and reported it
to the National Enquirer.
WORLD BANK: The bank which loans worlds to intergalatic corporations and
cartels.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from
The Postmodern Archaeologists Handbook seriesEF
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Etiquette at Dig Sites:
1. Always wear a coat & tie when meeting the head archaeologist at any
dig. If you are the head archaeologist, always wear underwear and
a bolo tie.
2. If you are invited to pick up a hammer and join in the dig, do not
proceed to practice the lessons from The Karate Kid.
3. When a wishbone is found DO NOT think it is good luck to break it.
No matter which half you get, you'll have lost. But it is okay to
wear skulls on your head like masks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matte Elsbernd -- Editor-in-Chief, Founder, and only Member
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
all rights reserved (c)1995 The Society of Archaelogists & Mailcarriers
email for subscription to Matte Elsbernd melsbern@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matte
Elsbernd - melsbern@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu