"Blind-sided by a Crazy Thinker"

when the alarm rang, i jumped, but not high enough apparently, since i missed my slam dunk. when the dogs stopped biting my leg, i went home: they finished demolition of it only an hour earlier. i slept on the street corner. the corner stuck into my back. my back ached. my head ached. my stomach ached. do we know who locked us in the closet? and why would we assume that fourteen chimes will bring us eternal youth? sip the tea. eat the bee. only the lonely will pass GO. only the greedy will collect $200. my three-pointer made no points. my point made no sense. i made no cents at my job. i'm collecting unemployment. i meant to employ, but i forgot to implement my ploy. i just lament. makes sense? not quite, but who would know better? or for that matter,who would know worse? and if inspiration pleases, i will perspire now. dig your ditch. lie in it. if you see me anywhere close, tell me you are near. sing a song of six-pence. what are pence? and why do i have six? if i give a hoot and you pollute, do we have a conflagration? and if we have an investigation, will it inspire me to bovine dreams? of milk with golden honey? and i have met my perfect match. it stands tall with a sulfur snatch. strike it and it lights my fire. you instill in me a longing for desire. and i play with words. but my mother tells me not to play with my food. i eat my words and live to regret it. into the future by inventing the past. if the past becomes the present, what will become my gift? tickle my fancy. fancy my tickle. where there is a will there is a way. where there is a will there is a guy named bill. in case of emergency: scream, puddle in your pants, wiggle, squiggle, eat cream cheese. don't be too constipated. exlax to the rescue. 911 in the case of an accident. open doors for ladies. close doors for men. if when, but maybe. daybreak, new day. open sez' me. yippidy doo dah. yabba dabba doo. where are you? only you can prevent forest fires. instigate a peaceful world. cheap love!! my creative license has been revoked.

Matthew William Elsbernd (c) 1993

"the inspector general has deemed this unsafe"

flush it down in silence. drown it out in violence. when the rain falls down hard we look to the guidance of our bard. "Sing us your songs of wisdom. Tell us your tales of bedlam. Inspire in us a sense of optimism to counteract our bleakest pessimism." when spirits fail to rule when our hearts become merely tools, that is when the end should come. that is the end for some. twilight brings us night. loneliness bears only fright. losing ourselves in the dark: running in lost circles around the park. when days become cold and grey we will be shown the way. open your hearts in kindness. bear your soul in blindness. Matthew William Elsbernd (c) 1993

"WordPlay

pot-luck. dish-deja vu. 
the dish ran away with the moon.  
the spoon got jealous, 
ran away with the trellis 
and were married in vegas at noon.
spinning in circles.  
knitting in squares.  
the loom wallows in gloom 
as the knitter sleeps with 
the baby-sitter and leaves 
the wool stuck on the spool.

deep down under.  
lightning, rain, & thunder.  
my feet are getting wet. 
and my credit cards lead 
me further into debt.  
when the bills are due. 
paste my disguise on with glue.  
when the cops are in pursuit.  
flash them my birthday suit.  
pull me in like a wacko flasher.  
stick me in a cell with an x-acto thrasher.  
look close and see cuts in his eyes. 
look closer and see the sucker will fry.  
some day they'll place me on parole, 
living on my crime's dough roll.

Diagnosis

My brain came undid from my skull
Just the other day.
Tried some tape,
Then some glue,
But nothing I tried seemed to do.

Called a plumber,
He couldn't help me.
Rang for a carpenter,
Said he was busy.
The only person to answer my call,
Was a gas station attendant named Lou.

Told me my problem was octane:
I needed at least 92 with my orange juice.

Formerly Known As

the artist formerly known as prince
was a person formerly known as a man
until one day a doctor formerly known as a barber
cut off the penis formerly known as "willy"
and though he goes by a symbol now
he will always be
something formerly known as a enuch.