The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Eight
Caught In The Act
Caught in the Act
-----------------
From: Victoria Diane Creighton
> Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense
>
> Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
>
> (a) Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
> vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
> inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
> and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
>
> (b) Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for
> robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an
> electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
>
> (c) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
> a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
> demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
> couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
> ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
> breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
>
> And it gets better:
>
> (d) David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
> allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
> four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
> weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
> getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
>
> (e) The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man
> suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
> done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.*
> Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
>
> (f) Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March
> in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
> The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a
> "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense,
> said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that
> day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The
> judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so
> hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
>
> (g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
> welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it.
> "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had
> it happen."
>
> (h) Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he
> attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-
> caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However,
> when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the
> knee.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Church Bulletin Bloopers
------------------------
From: Victoria Diane Creighton
> CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
>
> 1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
> church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
>
> 2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving
> milk please come early.
>
> 3) Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing
> "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
>
> 4) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay
> an egg on the Altar.
>
> 5) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies
> will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
>
> 6) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
> carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come
> forward and get a piece of paper.
>
> 7) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
> be seen in the church basement on Friday.
>
> 8) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So
> ends a friendship that began in school days.
>
> 9) This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a
> Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man
> (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include
> single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary
> was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.
>
> 10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
> downstairs.
>
> 11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
>
> 12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
> sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
>
> 13) The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
>
> 14) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
> All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister
> in the study.
>
> 15) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing
> a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
>
> 16) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
> pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
>
> 17) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
> discontinued until further notice.
>
> 18) Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
>
> 19) Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m.
> Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
>
> 20) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel
> in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
>
> 21) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
>
> 22) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
> basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
> tragedy.
>
> 23) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
> are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
> piano, which as usual fell upon her.
>
> 24) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
> Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a
> duet, The Lord Knows Why.
>
> 25) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't
> care much about you.
>
> 26) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
>
> 27) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
>
> 28) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
> Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
> Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
>
> 29) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
> GOD IS GOOD
> Dr. Hargreaves is better.
>
> 30) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
>
> 31) Don't let worry kill you off
> - let the church help.
>
Modern Day Bumper Stickers
Modern Day Bumper Stickers
--------------------------
> Bumper stickers are quotations posted on the Pre-Information
Highway.
>
> i.e., Route Infinity
And .sigs are the bumper stickers for today's highway.
'Clear analysis of my situation is often mistaken for pessimism.'
'Some news readers expect disclaimer here'
'This posting guaranteed free of all topographical errors.'
'My opinions do not reflect well on my employer'
'*STD DISCLAIMERS APPLY*'
'Daren't risk a .sig line in case Gates has already patented it'
'Will engineer for food'
'My opinions are regarded by my employer as rather humorous'
'Who'd believe that my employer could have such opinions?!'
'Opinions are like armpits. We all got a couple. Some stink.'
'I may not have a heart of gold, but I do have a lead foot'
'Good data is good data. Bad data is just an opinion.'
'This article is a natural product. The slight variation in spelling and
grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to
be considered flaws or defects.'
'186,273 miles/second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.'
'Do I straddle the fence on issues? Well, yes and no.'
'I'll have what the guy on the floor is having'
'Butcher of fine hardwoods and easy bridge hands'
'So there I was, snuggled in the leather seat of my brand new Ferrari. I
had the oiled wooden gear shift in one hand, and the leather wrapped Momo
in the other. And, I had the stereo cranking _Born to be Wild_... Only two
problems, I was upside down, and under six feet of water...'
The only person who got all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
'Cogito ergo spud... I think therefore I yam.'
'Life is like a cow. You get out of it what you put in. ut, umm...
different somehow.'
'Time flies like an arrow,
Fruit flies like a banana' (This is from Groucho)
'Cause.................
Oscar-Meyer has a way of altering your D-N-A.'
'The problem with this country is that half of the population is below
median intelligence'
'Why are blackberries red when they're green?'
'(Insert cheesey signature here)'
'The more careless I am, the smaller my projects become'
'I'm not an engineer, but I play one at work'
'If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve'
'Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.'
'Things are more like they used to be than they are now.'
'Diplomacy is the ability to let someone else have your way.'
'Verbing weirds language.' (Calvin, of and Hobbs fame)
'Turbos are great, but I'd rather be blown. (1990 Thunderbird Supercoupe)'
'I'm saving my final argument for last.'
'He's dead, Jim. You take his tricorder, I'll get his wallet.'
'I am Pentium of Borg, Resistance is Futile, You will be approximated.'
'If you can't say anything nice, then SHUT THE FUCK UP!'
'Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.'
'Black Holes are where God divided by zero.'
Toxic History of the World
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Blimey, Part 31, will it ever end?
1497-1503 AD
Amerigo Vespucci explores Mexico, part of the East coast of
America, and the South American coast, making a note of all the
really good coffee shops. At one stage Amerigo and two crew mates
put on big hats and ride around calling themselves "The Three
Amerigos", but it's only a passing phase.
1498
Vasco de Gama discovers a sea-route from Europe to India. During
voyages below deck, he also discovers what are later mispelt as
Gamma Rays. Unfortunately, he has no idea what they do, what they
look like or what they are, so the discovery remains untold.
1498
Columbus lands on the mainland of South America. He immediately
finds a native village and demands to be taken to a dry-cleaner,
having not changed his underwear for six years.
1502-4
Columbus discovers Trinidad, but manages to overlook Tobago. Christ
knows how he missed it, for heaven's sake, it's right next door!
1509
Sebastian Cabot explores the American coast as far as Florida, but
is unfortunately shot in the first of the now infamous Floridan
tourist murders.
1513
James IV of Scotland invades England, but has his arse whipped at
Flodden. Now James, that really wasn't very clever, was it? No.
Now, you go over into the corner and be quiet. No dessert for you
tonight young man.
1517
Martin Luther, founder of Protestantism, nails to the church door
at Wittenburg his condemnation of many practices of the Church of
Rome. Amongst these are:
- leaving jam on the butter knife
- placing the boiled eggs in the egg cup pointy-end down
- leaving the toilet seat up
and - using the remote control to change channels without asking
anybody if they were watching
1519
Cortes conquers Mexico. That's all. With three little words, a
nation crumbles under invasion. "Cortes conquers Mexico". Shit, until I just looked it up in
another book, I didn't know that Cortes was a Spanish conquistador.
Apparently he decided to crush the whole of Mexico after the Aztec
king, Montezuma, told the nation that Cortes had a very small
penis.
1519-22
Ferdinand Magellan sails around the world for the first time. With
the proviso that he himself only makes it as far as the
Philippines. Oh well. But he does manage to name the Pacific Ocean.
Not a bad feat. And he writes a book later adapted for modern times
by Jules Verne, entitled "Around The World In 3 Years And 27 Days".
1520
Martin Luther publicly burns the Papal Bull excommunicating him,
proclaiming it to be Papal Bullshit. Protestantism spreads easier
than soft-spread butter through Europe. In Switzerland it is
established by Calvin, whose followers in France, the Huguenots
(pronounced "Hugenose"), get really pissed-off with the Catholics,
who have quite small noses. In Scotland the Reformation, as this
great movement is called, triumphs by 1560, largely owing to the
teaching of Calvin's disciple, imaginary tiger Hobbes.
Newt's Email Address
Newt's Email Address
--------------------
Newt Gingrich's E-mail address, as published by the February 18
edition of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:
georgia6@hr.house.gov
A Bedtime Story
A bedtime story
---------------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a
guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of
17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in
which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of
a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day,
and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are
over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and
multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten
thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do
you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill
sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.
"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational
orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's
best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that
Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server
network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant.
Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single
byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What
about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs
running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
The Plan
The Plan
--------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying;
"It is a crock of shit, and It stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayuth;
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor there of."
And the supervisors went unto their managers saying;
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors saying;
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves. Saying one to another;
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors then went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them;
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him;
"This new plan will actively promote growth and vigor of the company;
with powerful effects!"
And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
This is how "Shit Happens."
Top Ten List -- Brady Bunch Movie
David Letterman's Top Ten List -- Brady Bunch Movie
----------------------------------------------------
From: David Lawrence Kitchuck
> From New York: It's quiet, yeah, TOO quiet ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Wednesday, February 22, 1995. And now, a man who won
this year's makeover contest ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
10. Instead of Alice in the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in
houseboy
9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich
8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about
their "brushes with the law"
7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne
6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady
5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom's high school
sweetheart, Bill Clinton
4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House
3. Every part is played by Paul Shaffer
2. Gripping scene in which Mom O.D.'s and Dad plunges a hypodermic
needle into her heart
1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds
[Music: "The Brady Bunch" theme song]
Compiled by Sue Trowbridge
----------------------------------------
LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT)
on the CBS Television Network
----------------------------------------
On Thursday's show, Dave welcomes
... actress ROSIE O'DONNELL
... actor MICHAEL MCKEAN
... singer DAVID BYRNE
Brought to you by Yoyodyne Entertainment where the future begins ...
tomorrow. Get on the media hype bandwagon and send mail to OJ@sgp.com
to play the infamous O.J. Pool and win cool prizes.
The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
Used with permission.
You may also use the FINGER command to grab today's list from
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To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message
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To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name
Types of Men You Meet in Washrooms
Types of Men You Meet In Washrooms
----------------------------------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
Excitable Type : Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips
pants in anger.
Sociable Type : Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one
or not.
Timid Type : Cannot pee if anyone is watching. Pretends
he has peed and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type : Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to
have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type : All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type : Pees without holding tool, shows off by
adjusting tie at same time.
Vain Type : Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2
would have done.
Absent Minded Type : Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees
in his pants.
Worried Type : Not quite sure what he has been up to lately,
makes a furtive but close inspection of his
tool while peeing.
Disgrunted Type : Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to
pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type : Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and
looks at the bloke stood next to him.
Sloppy Type : Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his
zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.
Learned Type : Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type : Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch
bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type : Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock
the drops off.
Drunken Type : Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back
and pees in his trousers.
Embarrased Type : Covers his tool with both hands as he stands
there and pees through his fingers.
Cockeyed Type : Stands in one cubical and pees in next.
Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh
---------------
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