The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Five
The Real Twelve Days of Christmas
The Real 12 Days of Christmas
-----------------------------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady)
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
--------------------------------------
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
------------------
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
---------
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
---------------------
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
------------------
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
----------------
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with the fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
----------------
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
----------------
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
>From Ag
----------------
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit.
The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
--------------------
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of
the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
--------------------------------------
December 25th (From the Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Photographic Incarceration
Photographic Incarceration?
---------------------------
From: Sadie Kiku Rosenthal
>From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that
contained another picture -- of handcuffs.
The Nw Priest
The New Priest
--------------
From: Sadie Kiku Rosenthal
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took
the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
return to his office after mass he found the following note on his
door.
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Quayle Quotes
Quayle Quotes
-------------
From: Tim
>
>> A list of Quayle Quotes from the past (to get us ready for the '96
>>
>> elections):
>>
>>
>>
>> Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
>>
>> child.
>>
>>
>>
>> Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
>>
>> the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
>>
>> is right here.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle,
>>
>> Hawaii, September 1989
>>
>>
>>
>> What a terrible hing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
>>
>> at all. How true that is.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
>>
>> speaking to the United Negro College Fund
>>
>>
>>
>> You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
>>
>> campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
>>
>> will always be.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
>>
>> whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
>>
>>
>>
>> We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of
>>
>> human rights.
>>
>>
>>
>> El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many
>>
>> voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I
>>
>> have heard a single voice.
>>
>>
>>
>> I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
>>
>> democracy - but that could change.
>>
>>
>>
>> If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
>>
>> Forum, March 1990
>>
>>
>>
>> I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
>>
>>
>>
>> getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise
>>
>> precision.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
>>
>> work dealing with cruise missiles
>>
>>
>>
>> Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
>>
>>
>>
>> I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
>>
>> the Future.
>>
>>
>>
>> I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
>>
>>
>>
>> We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
>>
>>
>>
>> I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
>>
>>
>>
>> It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
>>
>> in our air and water that are doing it.
>>
>>
>>
>> We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
>>
>> firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
>>
>>
>>
>> I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
>>
>>
>>
>> The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times,
>>
>> and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I
>>
>> have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused,
>>
>> then said) Would you like a puppy?
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)
>>
>>
>>
>> In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
>>
>> -- Vice Presiident Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois
>>
>> (LA Times 10/19/88)
>>
>>
>>
>> I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix
>>
>>
>>
>> My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will,
>>
>> never, never surrender to what is right
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech
>>
>> to the Christian Coalition
>>
>>
>>
>> We are leaders of the world of the space program. We have been the
>>
>> leaders of the world of our... of the space program and we're not going
>>
>> to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding the Soviet Union's
>>
>> demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now have independent
>>
>> republics which used to be called the Soviet Union. Space is the next
>>
>> frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore. Think of all the
>>
>> things we rely upon in space today: communications from... Japan,
>>
>> detection of potential ballistic missle attacks. Ballistic missiles are
>>
>> still here. Other nations do have ballistic missles. How do you think we
>>
>> were able to detect some of the Scud missles and things like that?
>>
>> Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We use
>>
>> space a lot today.
>>
>>
>>
>> Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent,
>>
>> in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF
>>
>> Chronicle)
>>
>>
>>
>> Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
>>
>> it.
>>
>>
>>
>> Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing
>>
>> our women
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast
>>
>> cancer
>>
>>
>>
>> I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
>>
>>
>>
>> I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election
>>
>> year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is
>>
>> the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years,
>>
>> I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will
>>
>> be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that.
>>
>> -- Senator Dan Quayle
>>
>>
>>
>> This president is going to lead us out of this recovery.
>>
>> -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in
>>
>> California and and then at CA State University,
>>
>> Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)
>>
>>
>>
>> We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur
>>
>>
>>
>> For NASA, space is still a high priority.
>>
>>
>>
>> [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of
>>
>> aggression.
>>
>>
>>
>> The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
>>
>>
>>
>> The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East
>>
>> and the Far East from encroaching on each other.
>>
>>
>>
>> Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax
>>
>> increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled.
>>
>>
>>
>> People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own
>>
>> hometowns.
>>
>>
>>
>> Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other
>>
>> way around. They never vote for us.
>>
>>
>>
>> Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money
>>
>> to cover losses due to mismanagement.
>>
>>
>>
>> Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to
>>
>> less popular places.
>>
Twas The Night Before Finals
'Twas The Night Before Finals
-----------------------------
From: Tim
>'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS
>
>'Twas the night before finals,
>And all through the college,
>The students were praying
>For last-minute knowledge.
>
>Most were quite sleepy,
>But none touched their beds,
>While visions of essays
>Danced in their heads.
>
>Out in the taverns,
>A few were still drinking,
>And hoping thm
>Drew unfrieuldn't study.
>
>"Ssome pizza might help,"
>I said with a shiver,
>But each place I called
>Refused to deliver.
>
>I'd nearly concluded
>That life was too cruel,
>With futures depn Saint Put-It-Off
>Ambled inside.
>
>His spirit was careless,
>His manner was mellow,
>But summoning effort
>He started to bellow:
>
>"What kind of student
>Would make such a fuss
>To toss baack at teachers
>What they toss at us?
>
>On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
>On Last Year's Exams!
>On Wingit and Slingit,
>And Last-Minute Crams!"
>
>His message delivered,
>He vanished from sight,
>But we heared him laughing
>Outside in the night:
>
>"Your teachers have pegged you,
>So just do your best...
>Happy Finals to All,
>And to All, a good test."
Alice in Unix Land
Alice in UNIX Land
------------------
Newsgroups: alt.fan.bill-gates
Alice in UNIX Land
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load fourteen TSRs
before starting my word processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could
use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white consultant)
ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said, "I'm going to
be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour, too." Before
Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared
behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to do, she
began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two fat
little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction
she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as
was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not
recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was
a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they
were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all
declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right
and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched
them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and
sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if
it wanted to be loved.
"Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some
string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a
spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful.
"Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on
waking him.
Just then, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood
up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest
creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look
at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily.
The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly. "...what our
NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered
quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep,
crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed
a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his
long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face
got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to
Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will
not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them
want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in
the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean,
it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like
Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap
issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their
hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down
again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to
tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor,"
they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right
and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking
away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," is said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding
words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
Microsoft Bids To Acquire Catholic Church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
-----------------------------------------
Newsgroups: slo.humor
>By Hank Vorjes
>
>VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square
>this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the
>Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
>exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.
>If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software
>company has acquired a major world religion.
>
>With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
>vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
>Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
>Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
>MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
>
>"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to
>ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the
>Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for
>a broader range of people."
>
>Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we
>will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and
>revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
>indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
>receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without
>leaving your home."
>
>A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
>language which you can program to download heavenly graces
>automatically while you are away from your computer.
>
>An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
>Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
>character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
>broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
>
>Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
>chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,"
>the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
>
>The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and
>the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such
>masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will
>face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
>these key intellectual properties.
>
>"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"
>said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of
>the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came
>on the scene."
>
>But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
>common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
>successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
>theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
>Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
>Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted
>by Christianity, lags behind.
>
>Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
>leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and
>entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms
>whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not
>they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
>denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.
>The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"
>echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every
home".
>
>Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
>religious architecture that will support all religions through
>emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
>interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple
>of different implementations," said Gates.
>
>The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
>according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
>Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in
>the increasingly competitive religious market.
>
Pentium Jokes
Pentium Jokes
-------------
From: Jesse James Gearhart
Intel Inside
Can't Divide
- --------------------------
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research
grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A1: Warning label.
A2: Truth in advertising.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as
Multiply is to
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE
============================================
10. YOUR CURRENT COMPUTER IS TOO ACCURATE
9. YOU WANT TO GET INTO THE GUINNESS BOOK AS
"OWNER OF MOST EXPENSIVE PAPERWEIGHT"
8. MATH ERRORS ADD ZEST TO LIFE
7. YOU NEED AN ALIBI FOR THE I.R.S.
6. YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT
5. YOU'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO BE A PLAINTIFF
4. THE "INTEL INSIDE" LOGO MATCHES YOUR DECOR PERFECTLY
3. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CPU OVERHEATING
2. YOU GOT A GREAT DEAL FROM JPL
And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine:
1. IT'LL PROBABLY WORK
INTEL STOCK SPLIT ANNOUNCED
Santa Clara, CA, 12/2/94
Intel (NASDAQ: INTC) today announced a 3 for 1.99994562416 stock
split
effective Jan 5, 1995, for stockholders of record as of Dec 9, 1994.
Although analysts were surprised about the strange ratio in the stock
split, an Intel spokesman stated that "That's just the way the math
worked out!"
Intel also filed a motion with the SEC requesting that it be allowed
to
publish it's financial reports to only 1 or 2 significant digits
stating
that:
"There are significant efficiencies to be gained, both in the
preparation and printing of financial reports. Just as taxpayers can
choose to file returns using the whole dollar method, we feel we can
get
financial reports out much faster if we don't have to rerun all our
spreadsheets through a PowerPC to verify them. Besides, most investors
only care about the first 2 significant digits anyway!"
In related news, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced that
its chairman, Bill Gates, had filed for personal bankruptcy after
discovering that his personal net worth had been overstated by
approximately $8 billion due to an undisclosed computer glitch.