The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Four
The Froggie Says..
The Froggie Says...
-------------------
From: Rebecca Roberta Adams (Gummi Lady)
Best computer nerd joke I've heard yet...
A computer nerd is walking down the street when he hears a little voice
begging for help. He looks down, and sees a pitiful frog. The frog says,
"Help me, I'm a beautiful princess. All you need to do is kiss me, and I'll
turn back into a princess, and I'll give you all the money you'll ever
need." The computer nerd picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and
continues walking. After a short while, the frog starts kicking around, do
the computer nerd pulls it out. "What?" demands the computer nerd. "Hey,
I'm a Princess," the frog says, "Kiss me and turn me back, and I'll give
you the best sex you've ever had!" The computer nerd shrugs, and puts the
frog back in his pocket, and continues walking. The frog kicks around
again; again the computer nerd pulls it out. "What?" says the computer
nerd. "I'm a Princess!" the frog insists. "If you kiss me and turn me
back, I'll live with you for a year, and meet every sexual fantasy you've
ever had!" The computer nerd shrugs, puts the frog back in his pocket,
keeps walking. The frog tries one more time, one more time the computer
nerd pulls it out and says "What?" The frog says, "Look, what's your
problem? I'm a Princess! I've offered you money, sex, companionship! What
more could you possibly want?" The computer nerd says, "Well, if I kiss
you, all I'll get is a woman for a year. But right now I've got a talking
frog, and that's way cool!"
Caffienated Soft Drinks: The State of the Art
Caffienated Soft Drinks: The State of the Art
---------------------------------------------
From: pburka@UPEI.CA (PETER WIEBE BURKA)
[ From: dystopia@clark.net ]
CAFFIENATED SOFT DRINKS:
The State of the Art
By: Ted Bahr
Copied without permission from _Computer Language_, April 1989
Perhaps the most universally recognized tool for improving a professional
programmer's productivity is C. Not the C language (after all, this *is*
the April issue, not February), but the C additive, Caffiene.
P.J. Plauger would have us begin this review with a definition:
caf-feine \ka-'fen, 'ka-,\ n[G kaffein, fr. kafee coffee, fr. F cafe']
(ca. 1828): a bitter alkaloid C H N O found esp. in coffee, tea, and
8 10 4 2
kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic.
Much has happened in the Cola wars to date, and the intent here is to bring
you up to speed on what seven leading contenders have to offer today. Table
1 shows a comparison of basic features, Table 2 compares performance, and
Table 3 ranks the products on a variety of tests.
*** Diet Coke ***
Diet Coke is an ably launched sequel to Coca-Cola's well-known, high
calorie drinks. It scours well in the mouth and the taste is surprisingly
full-bodied for a soda drained of all sugar. As a member of the Coke
family, Diet Coke places well in the performance tests with 46 mg. of
caffiene per can.
Diet Coke supplies the user with excellent documentation, taking care to
list a variety of vitamins and minerals of which it supplies less than
2% of the U.S. Recommended Allowances (U.S. RDA). The documentation is
not perfect, however; one particular problem is sloppy indexing. Diet
Coke notes that the product contains phenylalanine, a danger to phenyl-
ketoneurics, but does so in tiny letters on the front of the can, not
with the ingredients where one would naturally search for it (by contrast,
Diet Pepsi places this information with the other ingredients in a
bright red color).
A toll-free help line is provided to support all the Coke products--their
commercials play in the background while you are on hold. Diet Coke is an
excellent reproduction of the market leader and maintains its good perfor-
mance for programmers while nodding to the increased helath-consciousness
of the world today.
*** Mountain Dew ***
Long the late-night programmer's favorite with 17.4% more caffeine than
any member of the Coke family and over 40% more caffeine than Pepsi,
Mountain Dew means business. Clearly the heavyweight choice of this
review, The Dew powers its way to a first place finish in both calories
(178.8) and sugar(44.4 mg.). Its performance pales in comparison only
to Jolt.
Mountain Dew's taste is sickly sweet--the refreshing images of people
splashing around in ponds are clearly in reference to the energy derived
from the drink's effect, not the taste. And the participants in the ads
are certainly not programmers (imagine--swimming!). The scouring test
was disappointing--the tiny bubbles seemed buried by the high fructose
corn syrup.
Documentation was generally good, with more information revealed about
chemical content than any product except Diet Coke. A toll-free help
number is offered on the can and questions to the technical support
staff were handled efficiently and pleasantly.
Mountain Dew is still sporting its peace-and-love 1960s logo. The
outdated packaging combined with levels of caffeine and sugar that
show almost total disregard for the 1980s health-consciousness reveal
parent Pepsico's intent to market Mountain Dew as a niche product. With
only Jolt to battle head-to-head on the high end, that's not such a
bad idea.
*** Pepsi ***
Pepsi may be the choice of a new generation, but definitely *not* a
new generation of programmers. Finishing dead last in performance and
buried in the middle of the pack with respect to calories, Pepsi is a
generally uninspired product. The user interface (taste) is distinctive,
but its caffeine engine lacks the punch of the other products we surveyed.
Pepsi offers a toll-free help line and has adequate documentation, but
finished at the bottom of the heap in the Grindstone (teeth-grinding
after one six-pack slurped down in a two-hour period), ANSI (American
Neurological Speed Institute) conformity, and compatibility with UNIX
programmers. Although drinking Pepsi while chained to a 100,000 line
Ada program for 36 hours will not make you a raving maniac, it probably
won't keep you awake either. John Scully left for Apple years ago,
and we cannot recommend this product for serious programmers.
*** New Coke ***
Coca-Cola's new upstart is a worthy alternative to sleeping at normal
hours. It placed second in both the scouring test and the Wetstone
(thirst quenching). The kid brother to Classic (real) Coke has a taste
somewhere between the thinner, less-sweet Diet Coke and the heavy
syrup of the original. Despite its less-sugary taste, Coke (its real
name) actually has more carbohydrates than Classic Coke, leading this
reviewer to wonder if the programmers who created New Coke were drinking
Pepsi while they wrote the algorithms.
Coke's performance matches its siblings at 46 mg. of caffeine per can,
topping all but the specialty pops aimed directly at software developers.
With three relatively high-performance products to choose from in the Coke
family, a programmer really can have it all.
*** Classic Coke ***
Also known as "real Coke," this product seems to be adrift in a sea of
specialized competition. Various tests provided some pretty mediocre
scores for what has traditionally been considered by the general public
the most high-powered cold liquid stimulant (unless you favor cold
espresso).
Documentation is thin for Classic Coke drinkers and thus tends to favor
users who have some familiarity with the product. What's more, the
toll-free help number was not printed on any of the cans we tested!
While clearly a stalwart and founding member of the caffeine collection,
advantages offered by a number of competitors may be worth a taste
before settling on the real thing.
*** Dr. Pepper ***
While barely edging out Pepsi in caffeine performance level and defin-
itely qualifying as a "boutique" soft drink, Dr. Pepper's unique user
interface qualified it for review. Bottled by Pepsi, Dr. Pepper has
had little national advertising in the past few years, being seen as
a perennially big seller in Texas and a fancy alternative to root beer.
Despite this, Dr. P weighs in as a reasonable choice for programmers.
The taste is somewhat lemony, light, and fruity. Documentation is
good, but Dr. P lacks a toll-free number for support. When I did call
technical support, the Pepper People seemed confused. I bounced seven
times before finding the right person at the right number. However,
once I got there, support was excellent and very cordial.
Although Dr. Pepper cannot be recommended outright due to its mediocre
performance, slipping a few in between a long night of Classic Cokes
may be just the change you need.
*** Jolt ***
Taking on the established Cola giants is a brash move for a little
company in Rochester, N.Y., and Jolt is playing its role as spoiler
to the hilt. In the face of a huge tide of "caffeine-free" soft
drinks, Jolt boasts that it has "all the sugar and twice the caffeine."
On the surface, at least, it seems as if the programmer's ship has
come in.
Jolt's user interface is good, containing the bite and "look and feel"
of Classic Coke and winning the scouring test. Performance is stellar
with 32% more caffeine than Mountain Dew, 55% more than the Coke family,
and a whopping 85% more than Pepsi. Unfortunately, none of these
percentages back up the slogan aimed most directly at the programming
market: "twice the caffeine."
While documentation is adequate, technical support was rather dismal.
Jolt had the ambience of a small company, with the receptionist answer-
ing my questions in an annoyed manner. She said the company doesn't
release information on sugar content, which is odd for a company that
boasts about it on the can. When pressed about the "twice the caffeine"
claim, she said it referred to sodas other than the ones we tested but
wouldn't reveal which ones.
Despite a shaky feeling about the company's ethics, programmers will
find much to like in a can of Jolt. The only side effect may be too
much of a good thing--the Grindstone test left me unable to bear the
sight of a monitor, and soon found me lurching from lane to lane at
80 mph on Rte. 101, alternately screeching at songs on the radio and
babbling incoherently to myself about RISC chips. Use Jolt with
caution.
*** The Winners ***
A close look at the seven contenders in this review confirmed some
suspicions and raised others. Pepsi's performance rated too poorly
to recommend, and Dr. Pepper's only real benefit is its unique user
interface.
Any member of the Coke family can be recommended for general-purpose
long bouts of coding and the company is to be lauded for maintaining
performance levels in its newest releases. Jolt, the hands-down
winner in pure performance, is too jarring to be recommended for
prolonged use, but can be excellent for short bursts ofr quick patches.
Based on overall excellence, the winner and sultan of swig for pro-
grammer productivity is still Mountain Dew.
___---- Table 1.
Comparison of basic features
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Carbonated water Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
High-fructose corn-
syrup/sugar Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes Yes
Caramel color Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Phosphoric acid Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Caffeine Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Citric acid No No Yes Yes Yes Yes No
Sodium benzoate
("A preservative") No No No Yes No No Yes
Potassium benzoate No No Yes No No No No
Natural flavorings Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Proud sponsor of the
U.S. Olympic Team Yes Yes Yes No No No No
All-aluminum can Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Toll-free help number Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes No
___---- Table 2.
Performance
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Calories(per 12 fl. oz.) 144 154 0 179 170 159 144
Sugar (grams/12 fl. oz.) 37.20 40.00 .30 44.40 NA 39.60 38.00
Caffeine (mg/12 fl. oz.) 46.00 46.00 46.00 54.00 71.20 38.40 40.80
___---- Table 3.
Additional rankings (1-10)
1 - Excellent, 10 - Poor
Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Compatibility with
Unix Programmers 2 6 3 1 4 7 5
Scouring effect 4 2 3 7 1 6 5
Wetstone(1) 3 2 1 5 4 6 7
Grindstone(2) 3 4 5 2 1 7 6
ANSI Conformity(3) 3 5 4 1 2 7 6
Sleeve of Eratosthenes(4) 4 3 7 1 2 5 6
Notes:
(1) Thirst-quenching.
(2) Teeth-grinding after one six-pack in a two-hour period.
(3) American Neurological Speed Institute.
(4) Staining power test conducted on standard Beefy T-shirt.
--
The Bastard List
The Bastard List
------------
From: FBLA
A BRIEF LIST OF BASTARD PEOPLE WHICH WE ALL MEET IN OUR LIVES (TYPICAL
NAMES INCLUDED IN SOME EXAMPLES).
1. Bastards with bad breath.
2. Boring bastards who wear jumpers called "Kevin".
3. Poncy bastards who carry mobile phones around with them in college.
4. Bastards who don't wash.
5. Bastards who don't wash their hair.
6. Bastards who think they're hard.
7. Bastards who stab you in the back.
8. Bastards who always let you down, break appointments and piss you off.
9. Thick bastards who you can't have a conversation with becuase
they always misuderstand what you say.
10. Bastards who steal your girlfriend.
11. Bastards who muscle in on your terriroty when you have your eye
on someone and pretend not to.
12. Bastards who gossip.
13. Bastards with big mouths.
14. Bastards who sing every song you know with the wrong words.
15. Bastards who look smug and who you dislike for no real reason at all.
16. Bastards who ask stupid questions.
17. Bastards who do film quotes.
18. Guitarist bastards who think they're good but who can only play the
beginning bit of "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.
19. Bastards who make up stories about fucking their girlfriends.
20. Bastards who use stupid words like "cheesy" and "poop".
21. Bastards who eat scampi flavoured Nik-Naks right next to you
(they smell like cat food).
22. Bastards who tell you what's going to happen in a film you're
watching before the said scene occurs.
23. Bastards who talk about football and nothing else.
24. Bastards who talk about Street Fighter II and nothing else.
25. Bastards who talk about Mortal Kombat and nothing else.
26. Bastards who spell your name wrong.
27. Bastards talk about the sex triumphs they never had.
28. Bastards who wank over Baywatch and who say "I fancy that Pamela
Anderson one with the big tits!!".
29. Bastards who smell.
30. Bastards who laugh for no reason.
31. Bastards who talk to you in a condescending way.
32. Poncy bastards called "William" who keep the same girlfriend for
half their lives.
33. Bastards who facy your mum.
34. Bastards who buy the CD you saw in the shop the day before you
had the money to get it.
35. Bastards called "Philip" who think they're intellectual.
36. Bastards called "Peter" who like Indie music.
37. Ravers.
38. Bastards who dance to crap songs in nightclubs with big grins on
their faces.
39. Bastards who talk through films in the cinema.
40. Bastards who always sit in front of you in the cinema.
41. Bastards called "Andy" who think they're better than you.
42. Bastards who walk slowly down corridoor when you're in a hurry to
get somewhere.
43. Bastards who wear Meat Loaf T-Shirts.
44. Transvestite bastards.
45. White bastards who think they're black.
46. Black bastards who think they're white.
47. Smug bastards with bleached hair called "Chris".
48. Bastards with nasal voices theat irritate you.
49. Bastards who you always catch a cold off.
50. Bastards who talk with food in their mouths.
51. Bastards who smear tomato Ketchup (sauce) on their chips.
52. Little children bastards with orange juice moustaches.
53. Little children bastards who are hyperactive.
54. Little children bastards who think they're Ryu.
55. Bastards who smell of sweat and who are called "Fred" and are
backpackers with large bushy grey beards and with wives called "Sylvia"
and two obnoxious children (usually daughters).
56. Greasy Italian bastards who are posers and who all the girls you
know fancy (surnames usually ending in "luci").
57. Loudmouthed black bastards called "Leroy" who talk in fake patois
(usually from London).
58. Bastards who always get higher marks than you in tests at school.
59. Long-haired, Indie-loving bastards who also like groups like "The
Orb", and who think that Nirvana is heavy metal.
60. Spliff-head bastards who talk about little else and get
incredibly boring after about 2 minutes.
61. Pissed bastards who throw up at parties (usually where you can
fall in it and enjoy their lunch second hand).
62. Short, stumpy beer-loving bastards called "Stuart".
63. Cock-Rocking, middle-aged bastards with long hair who listen to
Status Quo called "Dave".
64. Bastards called "Robert" who are glued to their girlfriends and
who walk everywhere with them hand in hand (even to the toilet).
65. Bastards who fart silently and make everybody think it's you.
66. Guitar playing bastards who still think that the "widdle" is cool.
67. Grunge-loving bastards with goatees.
68. Schoolkid bastards who like Bon Jovi because they think they're
too hard to listen to Take That like the rest of 'em.
69. Stupid bastards who use hip-hop phrases like "wack" (ties in with
number 45).
70. Bastards who wear Faith No More T-Shirts.
71. Bastards called "Daniel" who always get the girl you want.
72. Computer boffin bastards called "Wayne" who talk about computers
as if they were real people.
73. Aspiring computer-boffin bastards who know jack shit about
computers and who show their ignorance every time they open their
mouths to say something.
74. Bastards who don't blow their noses when they have a cold,
forcing you to stare at their green, mucus-caked nose.
75. Student bastards who wear frayed jumpers and DMs and who think
they're funny (usually called "Matthew").
76. Bastards who don't clean their ears, forcing you to look at a
mass of brown and red earwax everytime they turn their head.
77. Bastards who have a scary obsession with homosexuality and who
don't stop "joking" about it.
78. Bastards who show you the contents of their tissue having blow
their nose.
79. Teacher bastards who are 40+ but who think they're "hip" and
"with it".
80. Bastards who keep bringing up the past in an argument they're not
winning.
81. Little bastards called "Shane" who irritate you.
82. Bastards who people mistake you for.
83. Poser bastards who think you fancy their girlfriend so they can
try and have a fight with you.
84. Racist bastards who always precede a sentence with "I'm not a
racist but.." before coming out with a tirade of racist bullshit.
85. Pot smoking bastards who think they're Jamaican (regardless of colour).
86. Bastards who do Martian Arts who think they're Bruce Lee.
87. Bastards who listen to gangsta and who walk aroung in gangs and
give you evil stares for no reason to prove to themselves that they're
hard.
88. Bastards who listen to Heavy Metal and who think they're Satanists
and go around giving you evil stares to try and prove that they're
evil.
89. Bastards who are bastards.
90. Gary-boy bastards who use sexist terms like "bird" and who like
chart music (UK).
91. College-kid bastards called "Richie".
92. Bastards who use sexist terms like "chick" (US).
93. Bastards who beat you computer games you've never played before
and consider themselves to be better than you regardless of the
unfair advantage.
94. Bastards who make facetious comments when you die on computer games.
95. Bastards who tell you how to play games you're already familar with.
96. Bastards who tell you how to spell words you already know how to
spell, and they're crap spellers themselves.
97. Bastards who can't spell.
98. Bastards who seek attention.
99. Bastards who seem to make a statement about having a girlfriend
not of their race.
100. Bastards like you!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bastard List 1 - Written by The Silver Hawaiian/FBLA * (c) Nov 16 1994
Contact me on
Look out for : The Bastard List 2 and The Bitch List - coming soon!!!!
Feel free to distribute at will...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa on the Internet
*** Santa on the Internet ***
-----------------------------
From: michal@ottawa.net (*** Michal ***)
*** Santa's Sleigh rides the Information Superhighway ***
Children all over the world are now able to send their letters
to Santa via the Internet. Santa will be responding to all
letters. Email may be sent to Santa at the following address:
santa@northpole.net
The north pole may also be visited using a World Wide Web
browser (e.g., Mosaic). Children will be able to browse through
the north pole and read messages from Santa, his elves, the
reindeer and get a North Pole weather report. The address for
the north pole is:
http://northpole.net
This free comunity service is provided to the children of the world
by North Pole Productions, a division of Internet Access Inc, Ottawa,
Canada.
One Liners from the Internet
One Liners From The Internet
----------------------------
From: Jamie Town
gwar@beach.silcom.com
jamie@bap.ucsb.edu
One liners from the internet:
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Help Request
Help Request
------------
From: Jamie Town
gwar@beach.silcom.com
jamie@bap.ucsb.edu
This is one of the best messages requesting help that I've seen in a
long time.
O Bretheren and Sisteren, I am cursed with a problem that the
DeVIl's editor and Pico (as opposed to elite) seem unable to solve.
I confess full and absolute ignorance. Have mercy, for I have an
Art degree and an English degree and there was no such things as a
Computer Science Major when I was in college. >grovel profusely<
I use both a PC and a Mac that thinks it is a PC. Here is my quest,
which has led me to lamentations, robe-tearing and wailing and
gnashing of teeth: I wish to take a collection of .signature files
(all under 4 lines) that I have placed in a directory called TA0
and rotate them with every article I post via .tin to USENET
newsgroups. I don't care if it is in order, or randomly, or by a
time factor. I just wish to show a little variety with less effort.
(I usually forgo a .sig altogether rather than wrestle with the
VIper.)
I smeared ashes upon my head and crawled the longest mile through
the seven levels of experts at my helpdesk. They were all willing
to help, but warned me of the dreaded Tremendous Learning Curve and
of the One True Editor Itself. >snurfle, grovel<
I have been smited with tomes of great Obfuscation and Technolingo
and lo, I am bleeding and forelorn. I wish only to dink with my
.sig files. Can I be saved? I have seen the glory of The One True
Editor and I am dazzled and blinded by its Magnificence but I am
entirely too st00pid to figure it out. I wish to avoid damaging
annything. >beg<
Could this humble supplicant receive enlightenment from a prophet
or priest(ess) of the Most High and Holy Temple of EMACS? In, like,
English? My gratitude would be limitless; yea, it would know no
bounds. I would gratefully dedicate an entire .sig to the Church of
EMACS. My fate is in your hands.
Most inferiorly yours,
La Lurka
(Malinda McCall, librarian)
mmccall@emory.edu
101 Easy Ways to Say No
101 Easy Ways To Say No
-----------------------
From: dunno
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
Lightbulb Jokes
Lightbulb Jokes
---------------
From: Jonathan L. Zung
From: Jeffrey Dick Jones
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a hardware problem!
>>
>> Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: Four hundred and seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to
>> write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
>>
>> Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light
>> bulb?
>> A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
>> fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly
>> how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five things wrong... have you
>> tried the light switch?
>>
>> Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn
>> out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make
>> the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
>>
>> Q: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem.
>>
>> Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: Three. Two holding the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into the
>> faucet.
>>
>> Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has
>> assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for
>> any future references to this light-bulb issue.
>>
>> Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed
>> light bulb object would inherit a change method
>> from a generic light bulb class, so all you
>> would have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
>>
>> Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...
>>
>> Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light
>> bulb?
>> A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you
>> call before 2 pm, and pay an extra $15-, we can get
>> the bulb changed overnight.
>>
>> Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry
>> standard.
>>
>> Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
>> A: It depends on how many burnt out light bulbs he brought with him.
>>
>> Q: How many Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: Foux! there to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
>>
>> Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: Eight. One to work the light bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft
>> gets US$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
>>