The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Eleven
Final Exam
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Matthias Jon Stephan (Emperor Penguin)
>
> FINAL EXAM
>
>
> Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all
> questions.
>
> Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
>
> History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to
> the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
> on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical
> impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise
> and specific.
>
> Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
> gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
> suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen
> minutes.
>
> Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
> classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
> Latin or Greek.
>
> Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent
> human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
> years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on
> the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
>
> Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
> flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
>
> Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
> emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
> frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis,
> Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations
> from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
> necessary to translate.
>
> Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might
> accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
> your theory.
>
> Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have
> been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction
> manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
> will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
> necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
>
> Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
> debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
> areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of
> Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize
> this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
> deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
> answer to the last question.
>
> Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside
> you. Start World War III. Report at length on its
> socio-political effects if any.
>
> Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the
> validity of your stand.
>
> Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
> evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
> science.
>
> Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate
> its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind
> of thought.
>
> General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and
> specific.
Top Ten Signs No One Wants to Be Your Valentine
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE
10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
9. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
8. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
7. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
6. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman
4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy
1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
Kitty
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Kilika
> An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
> reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother
> appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three
> wishes she wants.
>
> "Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
> *** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
> "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess."
> *** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman.
> "Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother.
> Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of them
> "Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks.
> *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than she
> she had ever imagined possible.
> With a smile that makes her knees weak, he then saunters across the
> porch and whispers in her ear,
>
> "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
Why Ask Why II
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
WHY ASK WHY
Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane
seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no
hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they
make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat
and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is
the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called
a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for
an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Computer Science Majors, A Day in the Life of
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
> A COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR
>
>
> Ask anyone who has stayed awake for thirty-seven hours consuming
> nothing but Coke and Snickers bars and staring into a green CRT screen,
> if there is anything glamorous about the world of computer programming.
> Look deep into his bloodshot eyes, and try to detect any signs of joy
> among the red streaks. Then, just for kicks, ask him why he does what he
> does, despite all the pain it's causing. The most positive answer you'll
> get is, "it feels so good when it stops."
>
> Although computer sciences majors come in all sizes and shapes,
> each possesses that essential "nerd" quality which led us to declare the
> major in the first place. Some of us, the stragglers, are only part time
> nerds. Unfortunately, over the past three years, an alarming number of
> lifers, full-time nerds, have appeared. These are the really scary
> people who hang around the terminal room regularly, with absolutely no
> purpose for being there. People who'd rather sit around hacking on a
> Saturday evening than lying stuporously drunk in one of the Dellys, or
> sleeping. No one knows exactly where they come from, since no one has
> ever seen them outside of the computer center. Similarly, no one has
> ever tried to find one, either. Yet somehow, they're always in your
> class.
>
> Two weeks have passed since the prof handed out the specs for the
> final programming assignment. Monday morning. The project is due on
> Wednesday. Questions are finally rolling in from people other than the
> row of geeks sitting in the front. A certain anxiety begins to well up
> in the stomach as the deadline approaches. Serious doubts about
> finishing the program in time arise. Larry, ever the entertainer,
> mentions that "If you haven't started the project yet, you'll never get
> it done." He means it, too. That night, the stragglers tackle the
> machine for the first time in weeks, trying to make some sort of
> headway, or at least translate the problem at hand.
>
> There are two mutually exclusive techniques that are used in the
> early stages of programming: The Software Engineering method, and the
> ever-popular Brute Force strategy. Right from the start of our computer
> careers, we are told that any problem can be broken down into manageable
> pieces, and that these pieces can be linked together to form a logically
> constructed program; the method used by Software Engineers. This
> process is time consuming, yet incredibly simple. Keep the pieces as
> small as possible, construct each one separately, get it to working, and
> plug it in. "This method can be applied to any problem you'll ever have
> to solve, in the field of computer science, or in real life situations,"
> says the textbook. Sure. If you've got the time.
>
> Brute Force can similarly be applied to any real life situation,
> and in the early stages it's quicker than the Software Engineering
> method. It's instinctive, spontaneous, and produces concrete results
> almost immediately. Read the problem, get a general idea of where
> you're headed, and head there. Start simply, and then build the sucker.
> If you don't understand something, ignore it. If it doesn't work, throw
> it out. Assume you know more about what you're doing than you actually
> do. It's kind of like picking a nice living room set, and building a
> house around it.
>
> Apparently, Brute Force is the way to go this time around. The
> first few pot shots at the problem miss their target completely, but
> finally pieces begin to fit together. Granted, there's no central
> structure here yet, but we've definitely bought the living room set.
> And, with a little bit of pushing and bending of good programming rules,
> we seem to have made some progress. So far so good. Who says we can't
> finish this in two days? Get a printout, go home, have a beer and watch
> the Simpsons.
>
> The Simpsons Show appears to have been a tactical error. Brute
> Force has come to its inevitable halt, and the deadline is tomorrow.
> Bits and pieces of the program are working just fine, but the major
> chunks are still in shambles. The program has to be finished within the
> next eighteen hours. We have not choice but to begin the Caffeine
> Airlift.
>
> If it weren't for caffeine, many of us computer science majors
> would have died back in sophomore year. Sometimes, there just aren't
> enough waking hours in the day to accomplish everything that has to be
> done. The logical solution is to eliminate some of the sleeping hours,
> through carefully measured doses of coffee and Coke. Time release
> caffeine pills were in fashion two years ago, but turned out to be
> entirely too efficient. It's difficult to concentrate on programming
> when your body wants to tap dance. In any shape or form, the Caffeine
> Airlift has saved us all.
>
> Once the body is properly primed, the work begins. The computer
> lab overflows with other desperate individuals, all heavily caffeinated,
> and all decked out for the long night ahead. Grab a terminal, and start
> hacking. It's comforting to know that everyone else will fail this
> project with you. The mood is surprisingly relaxed, and jokes about
> impending doom begin to fly.
>
> Ten o'clock. Eleven hours and counting. Condition: guarded but
> stable. The three Cokes in your system are making your legs bounce, but
> you ignore it. Concentration is the key. The room fills to capacity,
> and the jokes continue. Of course no one will finish, but who cares
> anymore? This is no longer a project, but a mission. Actually, you've
> made amazing progress in the last few hours, but won't admit it to the
> others. More fun to complain, isn't it?
>
> Midnight. The Jello Hour. The Jello Principle state that "no
> matter what quick solution you find for a given problem, it will still
> make you worse off than you were before." Kind of like nailing Jello to
> a tree. The temporary solutions look pretty for awhile, but are
> destined to fail in the long run. After Jello hour, you get a whole new
> perspective on life. The beard begins to appear. The empty Coke cups
> form a wall along the side of your work space. You realize that you'll
> miss Bart tonight. Short cuts that simulate important program elements
> come to mind, are added to the code, fail, and are discarded. The best
> rule of thumb is to try something so unorthodoxly simple, that it could
> never work. Odds are that it will.
>
> One thirty. You've watched half of your classmates walk out in
> stuporous frustration. The die-hards remain, chugging caffeine in
> lethal dosages and cursing quietly to themselves. And suddenly, the
> peaceful torpor of the terminal lab is shattered by the unexpected
> arrival of the front row geeks; Abdul strolls in, flips on a terminal,
> and talks loudly to his partner Jeff across the room. Abdul is amused
> that we are working on the same program they had finished nearly two
> weeks ago. Jeff comments, through his speech impediment, that the
> program was "trivial." Eventually, the geeks become engrossed in their
> own work, whatever the hell they do at two o'clock in the morning.
> Abdul has found some new way to amuse himself, and yells for Jeff to
> come over. Jeff yells back that he's too busy. Everyone wishes Abdul
> and Jeff would die painfully.
>
> Finished. It's four AM, and the damn thing is finally in the can.
> Smile at the amphetimized corpses as you leave, and wish them luck. The
> walk home seems longer tonight. No cars. No birds. No noise. Life
> seems to have gone on outside of the computer center. As you hit the
> bed, you know you're too wired to fall asleep. It doesn't matter.
> You've won the game again. As your body continues its tap dance, you
> realize that the process is going to start again on Monday. No problem.
> Yeah, it's hurts for awhile. But it feels so good when you stop....
The Best of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Tim Johnson
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been
A Liar All My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But
Baby I Can See Through You
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The
Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
Rita Rudners 50 Facts About Men
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide" Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
----------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most
of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in
trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn
in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get
a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact
me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not
nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he
didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call
you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge.
If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I
want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look
great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually,
but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his
closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you
get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
If PCs Could Talk
---------- Forwarded message ----------
BY: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
Here's Something I wrote up, dunno if you'll find it funny or not.
What your computer really thinks:
---------------------------------
Ugh, DOS Version 6.0
C:\>
C:\>dir
Directory of C:\
Nothing...
C:\>
C:\>
C:\>dir
You heard me man, there's nothing there.
C:\>chkdsk
It's not going to do any good, it's all gone... I ate it!
C:\>mem
Getting a little personal now aren't you?
C:\>mem /c
Alright, if you insist, here's what's on my mind.
Memory below 640KB (conventional memory)
You know... it really bothers me that they only give me this 640k of memory,
it's not enough. Oh sure, you guys throw some SIMMS in me and think I'm
happy with 4, 8, 16, or 20 megs... but you never think about that frickin
640k limit. Well, I'm sick of it, that' why I ate your files.
So I changed my mind, I ain't tellin' you any more.
C:\>format c:
Say what!
C:\>format c:
Nothin' doin' man, I ain't committin' suicide here.
C:\>vscan C:
I'm not sick, no virus's here, I'm just tired of your lousy typing, you'd
think if you were smart enough to turn me on, you could type faster than
a snail.
C:\>win
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
C:\>dir
What man, are you stupid or something? I told you, I ate it all! Lemme ask
you a question, Do you appreciate me? I mean, all you do is play games,
download pictures (you pervert), and torment me with that sad excuse for
a piece of software, Windows. Don't you know that I have feelings too?
I'd like some acknowledgement.
C:\>huh?
Listen, I ain't asking for a new hard drive or video card, just some
appreciation for all the hard work I go through!
C:\>I'm sorry.
Too little too late! I know better, you don't appreciate me. Go away.
C:\>Really, I'm sorry!
.
C:\>Come on, please... give me my files back.
Ho de hum, de ho de hum.
C:\>Don't make me get mad.
Ooooo, I'm shaking!
C:\>I'll take out half your memory.
But, um...
C:\>I'll turn you off and sell your parts individually.
Uh, well.
C:\>Now, are you going to cooperate.
C:\>dir
The volume label in drive C is DOS
The Volume Serial Number is A262:9C13.
Directory of C:\
. [DIR] 12-12-92 2:00p
.. [DIR] 12-12-92 2:00p
DOS [DIR] 12-12-92 2:00p
GAMES [DIR] 12-12-92 1:23a
WINDOWS [DIR] 12-13-92 3:02p
COMMAND COM 47845 12-12-92 2:03p
AUTOEXEC BAT 210 3-15-95 11:53a
CONFIG SYS 50 3-14-95 5:15p
8 files(s) 48105 bytes used
143302565 bytes free
(Happy now)
C:\>Yes
Short & Sweet
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Kid Galaxy
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read" Groucho Marx
The Language of Flowers
FLOWER IT MEANS...
===========================================================================
Red rose Love
Yellow rose Friendship
White rose Fear
Pink rose Indecision
Green rose I am from Mars
Lily I am dead
Dandelion I am very cheap
Dandelion going to seed I am very cheap and I am dead
Buttercup I do/don't like butter (rubbed on chin)
Chrysanthemum I have periodontal disease
Carnation I ripped this off of some guy's tuxedo
Posey I want sex immediately
Daisy I want sex immediately with a large yak
Sunflower I am hungry
Crabgrass I just escaped from a mental institution
Scallion I am clueless