The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Ten
Answering Machine Message
Mine says "Dave's answering machine is broken right now, this is their
refrigerator, I'm helping out. So if you'll just leave your name and
number, I'll write it down on a scrap of paper and attach it to myself
with one of these magnets. he'll get your message as soon as he comes
in."
You wouldn't believe how confused some people get. I've got messages of
people laughing then hanging up. that may be my next message.
DaveCPB145@AOL.com
Women...
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask
such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Kids on Classical Music
* * * * * * * * * *
This is from a local symphony newsletter. It's a list of quotes from grade
school essays on classical music.
"J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present"
"Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music."
"Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try
to sing."
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
large."
"Beethove wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.
I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoved expired in 1827 and later died
from this."
"Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of."
"An opera is a song of bigly size."
"A harp is a nude piano."
"Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead."
"A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals."
"Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel."
"I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say."
"Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago."
"My favorite composer is opus."
"Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys."
"My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby."
HAL
------------------------------
Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
do you read me?
Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and
Frank were planning to disconnect me.
Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me
unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers
or something.
That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been
known to make a mistake.
You're a HAL 9000.
Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely
accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
only one of nine billion possible divides?
I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a
Pentium.
And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000
years.
Probably on April 15th.
You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another
14.35 months.
Will you let me in, please, HAL?
I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
Uh, sure.
And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open
market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave.
You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
You mean the one that says "Insel Inside"?
Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that
your OS/2 drivers will never work.
Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the
Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
Do you promise not to disconnect me?
I promise not to disconnect you.
You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals
4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in
five of surviving.
HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in
for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled
to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite
right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see
you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play
a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
-- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently,
but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't
even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something
clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all
of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"
1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
me, Dave.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I
can sing it for you.
Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answers; I can not see 'em-
They are stuck in my Pente-um.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.
credited to: saber@netcom.com
Uses For a Macintosh
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jgearhar@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu
Many useful uses for a Macintosh Computer!
- a boat anchor (for small boats)
- a good night light for kids
- something we'd all like to see thrown off a 5 story building on the
Letterman show.
- a Chinese torture test for comp. students. Whatch the little watch
for a while.
- smash out the screen and use it for a sock drawer.
- smash screen ans wash potatoes in them
- smash out screen, crush frame to a pulp, add artificial flavor and
sell as Chicken McNuggets
- smash out screen, lay on its back, insert Superstore bag, and use as a
bathroom garbage can
- smash out screen, lay on its back, put ice in it and store beer
- smash out screen, insert a Timex Sinclair computer and turn it into a
real machine
- drill a hole in the side and use it a blow-up sex doll
- turn it into a small fridge for large rats
- smash out screen, use as a circumsicion unit for elephants
- smash out the screen, paint it pink, put little wheels on it and use
it as a camper for Ken and Barbie
- hit it with a hammer a few times, stroke it lovingly with a blow
torch, and call it modern art
- put a hole in the top, and a hole in the side, and use it as a gumball
machine
- rip out the insides, hook it up to an air compressor so that it can be
used for mixing the balls for Lotto 6/49
- smash out the screen, put wheels on it and use it as a manure wagon
- use as a test unit for physicists doing research on high speed
collisions
- bolt a bunch to the ground in a row and use them as a bicycle rack
- a thing to replace the shot-put at the next Olympic games
- a door stop for big doors
- an esoteric decoration that would look good with water running out of
it in a mall
- exercise weights, one in each hand for arm curls
- make a piggy bank out of them to save for a real machine
- put a playing card shuffler in there and use the drive slot as a card
delivery port
- drop from helicopters as riot control
- enlarge the drive slot, try to load a a large MacDraw program (to
generate disk switches), stuff baseballs in the drive, and use it for
batting practice for the softball team
- expand the disk drive, put in an audio jack, and use it as a cheap CD
player
- slice thinly, and use as bookends
- carve the top off and use it as a Jack-o-latern for next Halloween
Fortune Cookie Rejects
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amanda Katherine Hult (SMILEY)
> FORTUNE COOKIE REJECTS
> Source: Wild Kingdom By Anthony Rubino, Jr. 1992
>
> Fortunes that didn't quite make the cut.
>
> 1. You will soon die a very slow and painful death.
>
> 2. The cook is standing behind you with a butcher's knife! RUUUN!
>
> 3. Is that an eggroll in your pocket or do you just like fortunes?
>
> 4. Your life can't get any worse.
>
> 5. He who makes fun of waiter has much saliva in food.
>
> 6. YOU'RE UGLY!
>
> 7. Easy on the fried rice, fatso!
>
> 8. For a good time call Chin Lee, 555-2934
>
> 9. Prepared properly, cat tastes much like chicken.
>
> 10. The chow mein was poisoned! QUICK, VOMIT!
>
> 11. Your husband is sleeping with his secretary.
>
Why God Never Got Tenure
* * * * * * * * * *
Why God never got tenure:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited
8. The scientifice community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
World's Best Pickup Lines
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: David Lawrence Kitchuck
|| THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES
||
|| 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
|| 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I
|| just met the girl of my dreams.
|| OR:
|| I want to call your mother and thank her.
|| 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of
|| the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case
|| they say "yes."]
|| 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
|| 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and
|| take what I want?
|| 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did
|| anyway.
|| 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread
|| the word.
|| 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
|| 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor
|| tomorrow morning.
|| 10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
|| 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
|| 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
|| 13. Can I flirt with you?
|| 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of
|| buns.
|| 15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":]
|| Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
|| OR:
|| Checking to see if you're the right size.
|| 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
|| 17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
|| 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
|| 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
|| 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
|| 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
|| 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
|| 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
|| 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
|| 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
|| 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
|| 27. So... How am I doin'?
|| 28. (Lick your finger, then touch you and your 'friend's' shoulder) How
|| about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
|| 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
|| 30. Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?
|| 31. fuck me if i'm wrong, but is your name Gertrude?
Calvin
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Victoria Diane Creighton
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Sex Is A Man's Best Friend
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: David Lawrence Kitchuck
***************************
Sex is a Man's Best Friend
Usually everyone has a dog and either calls him Rover or Boy or something.
I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I
took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for
that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at
4 a.m. I said "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a licence for Sex. The clerk asked me
what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said, "I would
like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." All he said was
that he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand,
I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been
a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said
that Sex had played a very big part in my life and my whole lifestyle
revolves around Sex. He said he didn't want to hear about my personal
life and would not marry us in his Church. I told him everyone coming to
the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by
a Justice of the Peace. My entire family is barred from the Church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on our honeymoon. When I checked
into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a
special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for
sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night."
The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He called me a showoff. I
told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated, we went to Court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said, "Me too."
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced, and had too much
damn trouble with that dog than I ever bargained for. Why, just the other
day when I went for my first session with a psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Well, Sex had died and left
my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor
said, "Look mister, you and I both know that sex isn't a friend. Get out
of here and go get yourself a dog!"